


Broken Bond

by jlwentz2052



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Hurt James T. Kirk, It Would NOT Leave Me Alone, M/M, One Shot That Got Away from Me, Pike is alive, Post ST:ID, Spock Thinking He is Doing the Right Thing, Took some liberties of course, non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:15:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jlwentz2052/pseuds/jlwentz2052
Summary: After Kirk was revived, he seeks out his pointy-eared first officer to confess again his feelings, only to have them rejected. Will these two ever get together? Or will they remain separated by a Broken Bond?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 46
Kudos: 297





	1. Return to Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim Kirk returns to duty after the events of ST:ID. His first day does not go as planned.

Jim Kirk inhaled deeply as the turbo lift’s doors opened silently onto the bridge. He would never openly admit that the smell of the Enterprise reminded him of home. He in fact felt like he was coming home after his long recuperation on the Yorktown. Since his return (Kirk steadfastly refused to call it a resurrection), he spent most of his time in a biobed. He was itching to return to his ship and to space.

But even as Jim stepped onto the bridge, he had to admit that he was not the same Jim Kirk as he was before Khan. He had learned a lot from his experience with Khan. The first thing he learned was that he was not, despite his prior claim to be, invincible. Dying kind of destroyed that notion.

The other thing that Jim learned was that he could have, and should have, done a few things differently over the course of his encounter with Khan. Having spent nearly a month laying on a bed provided one with ample opportunity to think about things. And Jim realized that the outcome could have been different if he had made better decisions. No one would criticize him for the decisions he had made, but that did not lessen the guilt he felt at the loss of so many lives. Jim Kirk learned he was more than able to make a mistake, and that mistake would have consequences he may or may not have the ability to deal with. Yeah, Kirk was still a hothead, cocky and reckless, but probably not to the same degree he had been.

Jim Kirk had learned humility.

His bridge crew had not moved from their stations as they had not noticed his appearance just yet. Jim did not mind. His chest swelled with pride as they worked, knowing that they all know their jobs well. His eyes moved swiftly among them; Uhura at her com station, diligently working, Chekov and Sulu at the helm adjusting settings and setting up their stations to their liking. The new recommissioned Enterprise probably needed few adjustments, but everyone liked their own setup. Including Jim. These were the people he had come to depend upon, and often thought of as family.

He had avoided however looking at his chair until the last moment. He knew once he did he would also see his first officer, most likely working like everyone else. It was not that he did not want to see Spock, he had visited him a few times as he recovered, but they had not spoken much. Knowing that Spock was taking on most of the work as the Enterprise was rebuilt, Jim was not surprised that as his health improved he saw Spock less and less.

Jim winched at the memory of Spock, hands pressed to the glass containment unit surrounding the warp core Kirk had entered. His attempt to stop the core breech had been successful, but it had cost him dearly. The look on Spock’s face, fear, anger, regret, played often in his dreams. The words he had pushed out in the end had resulted in Jim witnessing his first officer shed a single tear. Jim remembered watching it slide down his angular cheek thinking that it was the most emotion he had seen the man express in all of the time he knew him, well aside from that time on the bridge. Jim had not regretted what he said.

However, at this point all he wanted was to say it again. This time without his eminent death hanging over the situation.

When Jim finally allowed his eyes to find him, the jolt was unmistakable and he was grateful that no one noticed him yet. He schooled his features as best he could as fast as he could because at that moment Spock looked up and saw him. He immediately stood at attention.

“Captain?” he spoke. His voiced barely waived, but Jim noticed regardless, and knew that he had caught his first officer off guard.

Spock’s statement however brought the others’ attention to him as well.

The round of greetings was a happy one and Jim smiled at each one.

“Captain, I was not aware that you would be returning today,” Spock’s voice, now devoid of any emotion, washed over Jim. Anyone else might have mistaken the loftiness for annoyance, but he knew Spock well enough to know that Spock was upset that he had not been appraised of Jim’s return.

“As you would not have, Mr. Spock. I did not tell anyone I was coming back on board. I am not on duty until Monday so….I figured I would just get myself settled,” Jim explained and watched as Spock’s stiffness decreased a few degrees.

“I can brief you as you wish.”

Jim held up his hand and shook his head. “It can wait until Monday. I have no doubt that you have handled everything exemplary.”

Spock nodded in acquiescence.

“But I would not mind a quick word if you have a moment?” Jim asked, tucking his shaking hands behind his back.

Spock’s brow rose slightly, but he acknowledged Jim’s request and gestured toward the Captain’s ready room.

***********

Spock followed his commanding officer through the door without preamble. His general scientific nature often allowed him to assess situations quickly and efficiently. He noticed that the Captain looked well, but also appeared tired and if he was not wrong, anxious.

Spock had not spent much time with his Captain as he recuperated. For the most part because of practical reasons. Putting a star ship back together took a lot of work. But Spock could not deny that he was in fact ignoring Jim on purpose. His death had affected him greatly and it had taken several weeks for Spock to work his way back to his current level of functioning. Spending more time with him threatened his already shaky shields.

Despite his apprehension, Spock attempted to reach out through the slight bond he had formed with his Captain before his death. He refused to acknowledge the pain deep in his gut at feeling nothing.

He logically concluded that it was however for the best.

“How are you doing?”

The Captain’s question jolted Spock out of his momentary stupor. His brows rose for a second time at the Captain’s question. “I am well, Captain”.

“Oh,” Jim’s response was quiet, barely a whisper.

“Affirmative, sir.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes, I see no other answer. Are you feeling well, sir?”

The Captain was not quick enough to disguise the disappointment on his face, before he took a deep breath and looked away. Spock’s time with the human race had taught him many things. Humans were emotional creatures governed by illogical thoughts and wayward feelings. They showed great courage, at the same time they showed stupidity in their decisions. Spock stopped trying to understand it a long time ago, but he had continued to admire their ability to care for each other and provide support when it was needed.

Even if they ended up sacrificing themselves.

Exactly like what Kirk had done. He had sacrificed himself to save the others on board. He had done so foolishly, without thinking of what his death would do to those you cared for him, who admired him.

He did so without thinking about what it would have done to Spock.

By nature he could not lie and he had not to his Captain. However he had not been completely honest either. Jim Kirk’s absence had been a steady ache in Spock’s head for the past month. He felt as if a part of himself was missing.

During the few days after Jim had died, Spock felt the loss keenly, the tentative bond they shared had snapped and broke, leaving a gaping hole. Spock remembered during part of his childhood when he was on Vulcan living with his father, getting a small grain of sand stuck beneath the nail of his index finger. Not wanting to appear weak, Spock had not told anyone of it. In the beginning, he acknowledged the dull ache only when he was alone. He had pushed the pain away until the third day when his finger had festered and he had to tell his mother what happened. Consumed by thoughts of revenge, he had pushed the ache of the loss of Jim away as well. It had festered too, grown so big that the only choice was to lance it open when he killed Khan. What he felt for Jim Kirk was not an infection, but Spock feared it would eventually kill him.

He did not know if he could survive that again. He wanted Jim alive. He wanted Jim Kirk to grow old. He wanted to be by his side as he did so. But he could not do so as anything other than his first officer. The memory of the words he had spoken to Spock would be forever treasured, but they had to be the only time they were spoken. So when Jim had asked how he was doing, there was no other logical answer.

Even if it was the furthest from the truth.

“Well than, dismissed Commander.”

Spock stood rooted to the spot. He attempted once again to reach Jim through the bond they had once shared. And again nothing. He turned quickly and left the room without another word, feeling as if he was morning Jim Kirk all over again.

He returned to the bridge and his PADD, wanting to distract himself by finishing the last of the requisitions before their scheduled departure the next week.

It was almost 20 minutes later that Kirk left his ready room, smiling at the crew as he bid his farewell until Monday. It was not lost on the Commander that he looked at everyone on the bridge but himself. He pushed this out of his thoughts just as quickly. And he tried to fool himself that he was not concerned.

“He looks so sad.”

The comment, from Sulu, set Spock on edge however and he spent the rest of his shift trying and failing to focus on his work.


	2. A Broken Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim receives a message from Spock Prime, who reveals some interesting information.

Monday morning found Spock in the turbo-lift alone at the start of Alpha shift. He had not seen the Captain again over the weekend despite the fact the Captain’s quarters were directly next to his and the two were connect by a shared bathroom. Either the Captain was no longer aboard or he had become adept at avoiding his pointy-eared first officer. Spock felt the former was the most logical conclusion. But it still did not make him feel much better.

The turbo-lift doors opened and he stepped out onto the bridge. Most of the senior command crew were already in place. Spock was only mildly irritated as he was usually the first one on the bridge. But like himself, everyone seemed to be anxious to launch and be on their way.

He was however very surprised, although he tried not to show it, to see the Captain sitting in his chair working swiftly on his PADD.

“Good morning, Mr. Spock. We are awaiting final clearance from Starfleet, but should be on the way within the hour.”

“Good morning, Captain. My apologies for my tardiness.”

Jim looked down at his chrono. “You’re not late, Mr. Spock. In fact you are 10 minutes early,” he commented without looking up from his work.

Spock suppressed the frown attempting to break loose. “Very well, sir.” He took his seat next to the Captain and called up the week’s duty roaster. “Have you had a chance to look over the new crew?”

“Yes. They all appear more than capable. I imagine you handpicked them yourself,” Jim commented with just a hint of a smile.

Spock felt his heart rate pick up, but kept the blush at bay.

Jim finished up his work on the PADD and handed it over to Spock. “These are the upgrades that you had approved for the new warp core. I was looking over the progress and made some notes that I want to give to Scotty. I would like you to look them over and if satisfied send them on.”

“Affirmative, Captain.”

“Okay, well everyone,” Jim stood and clapped his hands together. “Let’s start the pre-launch procedures and get this show on the road.”

The next hour was busy as final preparations were worked on. Starfleet Command had to go through the bustle of sending the Enterprise off with some fanfare. Luckily, as the Command Crew was needed on the main bridge, they were not scrutinized very much and for the most part were not bothered by the two Fleet Commanders who spoke words of courage and faith in the Enterprise crew.

Spock noted that the Captain did not relax until the docking arms were retracted and the Enterprise moved out of Yorktown’s docking bay on one quarter impulse. Once cleared of the station, the Captain gave the order to move further away before he ordered an open comm.

“Kirk to Yorktown.”

“Yorktown here.”

“As Captain of the USS Enterprise, I want to thank you for all of your hard work.”

“Acknowledged, Captain. Safe journey.”

“Kirk out.”

And with that, the USS Enterprise jumped to warp two in a direct heading into the vast unknown space on its five year mission of exploration.

*********

“Sir, we have an incoming communication,” Uhura's clear voice spoke from her station.

They had been traveling steadily into the Beta Quadrant for a little over two weeks without any activity. They had stopped briefly on Segma Apha to deliver some medical supplies that they had loaded on board while at Yorktown and were now on route to Quatar, a distant planet that had reached warp technology five years ago and were seeking entrance into the Federation. Kirk would be making contact with the planetary leaders, which was why he currently sat in his command chair looking over the scant information they had about the planet and its people.

“Put it through Lieutenant.”

“It is coded priority and for your eyes only,” she clarified.

Jim’s brows rose in surprise. “Very well. Send it to my ready room,” he spoke rising from his chair. “Mr. Spock, you have the con.”

“Affirmative, sir.”

Once seated at his desk, Jim plugged in the code that would release the communication. He was more than a little surprised to see the face of Spock Prime fill the screen.

“Jim, it is good to see you.”

“Ambassador, this is a surprise.”

A soft smiled spread across the elder Spock’s face, looking both foreign and fitting. “I am aware that we did not have much time to talk before the Enterprise departed. I made my way to New Vulcan shortly after. There is much work to be done.”

“I am glad you arrived safely. To what do I owe the pleasure of speaking with you now?” Jim could not help to be filled with curiosity. 

“It is personal, Jim.”

Now Kirk was really curious, but maybe not as curious as to the reason the Ambassador referred to him as Jim. “Alright, Sir. Is there something I can do for you?”

“Please, call me Spock, or if that is too personal, Prime will be fine.”

Jim thought for a few moments. _If that is too personal._ “Very well, Prime.”

The elder Spock seemed to hesitate a little before his eyes softened and looked at Jim over the millions of light years between them. Jim stared back, surprised by the surge of affection he felt for the man he had only met a handful of times, but who also was the older version of his own Spock. He could see the similarities, the arch of his brows, the slight turn down of his lips that at least on the elder Spock rose more frequently into a smile. In those eyes Jim saw the same dedication and conviction often mirrored in his counterpart.

And love.

Jim sucked in his breathe. Yes, he could feel that this Spock cared about him, deeply. How exactly he knew this was unknown, but it was not an unpleasant feeling. It made Jim feel warm and accepted. Neither of which he had felt in a long time.

“I see something of the bond exists.”

“I – I’m sorry, Sir. Bond?”

Spock Prime smiled softly. “Are you familiar with the term bondmate?”

Jim nodded. “Spock spoke of his, T’Pring. He was bonded with her until she passed. He mentioned that bonds are formed early in life, that he would eventually need to marry her.” At the time Spock spoke of his intended Jim had not responded in any fashion, only having been concerned with whether it would keep the Vulcan from serving as his First Officer. Jim had not thought about it for a long time. He tried not to feel relieved about the fact that Spock would not be marrying her, as he could just as easily marry someone else.

“Yes, however bonds made as such are not always fulfilled for numerous reasons. They are weak bonds, which if the partners are compatible, can be increased in strength by performing a bonding ceremony.”

Jim heard the Ambassador, he tried to absorb the meaning of what he was saying, but still felt like he was missing something. “Is there a reason you are telling me this?”

“There is another bond. One that needs no bonding ceremony to form and often forms on its own. This type of bond is usually between two who are highly compatible, literally they are two halves of the same hole and it is most powerful. A couple bonded as such can read each other’s minds and emotions, they live in each other’s heads. It is a permanent bond, nothing disrupts it except death. This bond is very honored among our people and trumps any other bond that may already be in place. It is called T’hy’la. Friend, brother, lover. The closest equivalent in Standard would be ‘soulmate’.”

Jim felt his stomach drop. He did not know where this conversation was going, but he was not entirely sure he was going to like it. But just as quickly, he made the connection, and for a split second, he stopped breathing.

No.

“Jim Kirk, _your_ Jim Kirk, was your T’hy’la.”

“Yes, he was.”

Jim exhaled and the sense of loss hit him full on. “I feel…”

“I believe that, while we are not bonded, you can still feel me and I can feel you. That is why I am reaching out. I have felt much unease over the past few weeks. I have meditated and have come to the logical conclusion that I am experiencing the residual effects of my bond with my Jim. As you are him, I concluded that I was experiencing your emotions. I have been quiet concerned, young Jim.”

Jim sat stunned. He could not even begin to process what he was hearing. He wanted to scream and cry at the same time. But the overriding sense of loss blew that out of the water. He raised his hand, prompting Prime to momentarily pause.

“Does that mean my Spock?” Jim asked not even recognizing his own voice. He thought he had been doing well, he was functioning, making good decisions, not putting himself in an adverse danger. He was able to interact with Spock on a near daily basis without feeling like he was going to fall apart. He had been proud of his efforts and figured it was just a matter of time before he was able to move on and maybe find someone else. Someone who at least returned his affections. This _information_ shatter the shaky defenses Jim had built. It stole his very breathe.

“Is your T’hy’la.”

Jim jerked, his fist landing in the table top with a loud thud. He saw the minute increase in the diameter of Spock Prime’s eye, but his face revealed no other change. “No.” It was quick, short and to the point. And hurt like hell.

“Jim? I can sense your distress,” Prime’s concern was clear over the comm. The old weathered face moved closer to the screen and Jim felt a push of calmness move through his mind and body. He was grateful for it.

“I said no. No he is not my, whatever.”

“Jim, there is no other explanation for why I can still feel the bond with you. My Jim died almost 90 years before I was brought into this universe. I have learned to ignore the hole left by it, but when I saw you, I could sense some of the void being filled. You are not my T’hy’la, not specifically. But it is illogical to think that your Spock is yours. There is no other logical conclusion.”

Jim did not respond but felt the same burst of calmness move through him again.

“Jim, have you not felt this with Spock? A connection? The two of you are the most formidable command team Starfleet has. A lot of that is due to your compatibility, despite your differences. Have you ever felt as if he was reading your thoughts and responding to your emotions? Or you to his?”

“I – I…” Jim hesitated, not knowing how much he should reveal. No one else knew. But as he watched the elder Spock, the peak of his brow raised in concern, he figured the man already knew more than anyone else. “I assure you, Sir, that he does not return my…affections.”

“Please clarify.”

“I told him I loved him and….it meant nothing to him!” Jim shouted before he could stop himself. He tried to breathe deeply, to calm himself. He needed to hold it together. He was going to have to walk back out onto the bridge and face his crew and he would rather not have his face reveal his pain.

“Jim, I cannot see how that is possible. I am him. The bond I shared with my Jim was undeniable.”

“Well he is denying it, if it even exists. I told him that I loved him and he…”

“Jim, when was this? When did this happen?”

“Right before I died….I was in the warp core, he was on the other side, begging me to get out. I knew I was dying and I knew I had to tell him. I told him…I told him that I loved him. He looked so angry and so upset. I…I put my hand up on the glass and he did the same….and I told him that I loved him,” Jim took another deep breathe, the memories still strong. The pain, the fear, the need to hang on one more second to make sure Spock knew.

“And when you were brought back…” Spock Prime gently probed.

“He said nothing. I told him that I loved him and it meant nothing to him.” Jim turned away from the pity he saw in the older man’s eyes. “He visited me a few times while I was recovering, but he never stayed long. I wasn’t angry, I knew he was taking on most of the logistical things with rebuilding the Enterprise. But I came back on board early, to see him. I made a fool of myself by asking him to see me in my ready room. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t even look at me.” Jim could no longer hold it in. He laid his head down on the desk and cried. Even the influence of Prime as he sent feelings of comfort and reassurance through whatever they had was not enough to staunch the flow.

*********

Jim existed his ready room several minutes later, his nerves on end but he had managed to make himself presentable. “Mr. Sulu, any change?”

“No, Sir, on heading 145 Mark 7. We should be at our destination in about 4 hours,” Sulu commented.

“McCoy to Kirk,” the familiar sound of the chief medical officer was heard over the ship’s comm.

“Kirk here.”

“I need to see you in Sickbay, immediately.”

Jim sighed. “On my way,” he responded. “Kirk out.” He walked toward the turbo-lift. “If I am not back before we arrive, let me know, Sulu. Spock, you still have the con.”

“Aye, Sir.”

No one needed to know that before leaving his ready room, Jim Kirk had sent an SOS to his best friend.

Jim entered Bones’ office tentatively. He knew that he would need to explain to his CMO the reason he needed to be summoned to Sickbay. Something on his face must of clued McCoy in however as all he did was push a half filled glass of Scotch in Jim’s direction. Jim’s arched brow was met with Bones’ frown.

“Tough day?”

Jim snorted and took a sip. He still needed to be on his best for the remainder of his shift. “You could say that.”

Bones said nothing for a few minutes, taking the time to poor himself his own drink, but he finally caved. “Jim, are you alright? And don’t give me any bullshit. I can pull you off duty in a heartbeat.”

“I am doing okay, Bones. Just sometimes, it just hits me, you know.”

Bones continued to stare at him for a few seconds and then finally nodded. “Can’t say I don’t blame you. But you’re here.”

“I still don’t feel like I should be though.”

“That will pass with time. You’re doing well, I’d say. I haven’t had to hypo your ass in a while. I am beginning to think that you don’t need me anymore.”

Jim smiled recognizing Bones’ humor as an attempt to cheer him up, or at least get him out of his funk. “Bones, do you ever thing about your ex?” Jim was not quiet sure where that question had come from.

Bones snorted into his own glass. “Not unless I can help it. Why?”

“I don’t know. You must have cared about her at some point, you married her. What went wrong?”

Bones shrugged his shoulders. “We just wanted different things.”

“But you loved her?” Jim pressed a little.

“Yes, yes I did at one point. She was beautiful and spontaneous. She could always make me laugh. We, believe it or not, had a lot in common and we hit it off pretty fast. That might have been our mistake though. We never really got to know each other before we were engaged and married.”

“When did you know that it wasn’t going to last?”

Bones signed heavily and appeared to be thinking. “I am not sure I can tell you specifically. I think for me it was when I realized that I was happier without her. She would be off doing her thing, and I would be off doing my thing and the thought of going home to her just made me, I don’t know, sad I guess. It didn’t help that I found out she was running around behind my back.”

“What if she hadn’t been doing that? Do you think you would still be together?”

"And potentially deprive you of my company? Hell no.”

Jim smirked but did not let it go. “So you wouldn’t be together?”

“I don’t think so. Like I said, I was happier without her. It was just not right between us. Sometimes, despite how much you care, it just isn't right.”

Jim sat back in his chair and stared at his glass, Bones’ words echoing through his head.

Maybe it just wasn’t right between him and Spock either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine and mine alone!


	3. First Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Enterprise arrives at an M Class planet on a diplomatic mission. Spock sticks his foot in his mouth.

The planet simply known as MCLASS47, was unremarkable. The inhabitants were humanoid in most of their physical structures with the exception of their skin color, which was a rather pleasing shade of blue. They were for the most part a peaceful people who had developed a rudimentary social structure similar to the caste system seen on Earth in the 20th and 21st centuries. Social statuses were determined at birth and education, access to entertainment and career choices were limited to specific caste levels.

Despite this, most of the natives, who referred to themselves as Anoba, were caring and showed interest in all members of society. Spock stood to the left and slightly back from Kirk as he made the first contact. The Anoba had advanced technology that allowed them to travel to many of the other planets in their system and therefore were not surprised at the arrival of a Federation Starship. 

“Welcome, Captain Kirk. I am Overseer Jorge. I am the elected official of our planet. I welcome you peacefully.”

Jim mimicked the greeting. “It is a pleasure. I bring greetings from the Federation. We hope that the Federation and the Anobian people can engage in fruitful cultural and trading exchanges.”

The Overseer smiled widely. “We would like that as well. We are a humble people, Captain. We are very much like yourself, seekers of knowledge.”

Spock relaxed marginally. These people were open and friendly and expressed no hostile tendencies. When the opportunity rose for Spock to be shown some of the native flora and fauna as well as a few of the manufacturing facilities he was comfortable leaving his Captain in the hands of the rest of the landing team.

Spock found the indigenous plant life diverse and cultivated for a variety of purposes. It appeared that the Anoba used every resource and wasted little in the development of other products. Their ideology was impressive. Spock found that time passed quickly as he took samples and cataloged to his heart’s content and he did not see the others until he was summed to share the evening meal. The Anobian people were providing the customary ceremonially banquet in honor of the Federation. He was escorted to what he assumed was their main government building. High vaulted ceilings were open to the air and showed the darkening of the sky as the first of the planets three suns lowered toward the horizon. The effect was rather pleasing.

The large room he was brought to was also rather spacious. Large columns made of a white colored material the Anobains called “plata” marked the entrance and surrounded the room evenly displaced. In between where several pieces of what Spock distinguished as Anobian artwork which appeared to be primarily made of living organisms and plants from the planet. Several tables were erected in the center of the room with seating around both sides. On several other tables to the side native Anobains were moving about placing dishes of what Spock concluded were various types of food. The Overseer was walking with the Captain gesturing to various plates on the table.

“This is a dish called Mas’sa. It is made from the meat of the wild Okha.”

Spock stepped up to his Captain’s left side. Kirk acknowledged him with a nod but remained attentive to the Overseer. The Overseer keyed in something on a small PADD like device and an image of what must be an Okha appeared.

“Ah, this looks like something Terran’s would have called a buffalo. They have been extinct for many centuries unfortunately, but the structure of the animal looks very similar.”

Spock fell in behind the two men as they continued down the table. Jim was using his own PADD to record everything. Spock knew he would receive a copy as soon as Jim was done. He therefore allowed his mind to wonder a little as the Overseer continued.

The room itself was not very full, it appeared that only a few dignities, if the colors of their robes revealed, were present. Among them were members of the three genders that the Overseer stated made up their society. The Overseer, for example, was termed Anoba’a, or the male gender. Many of the males were dressed in blues and golds, with various woven threads that Spock had learned denoted their caste level. Females were called Anoba’e, and were dressed in similar style robes but in colors of reds and yellows. And the mixed gender, which Spock could only equate to the Terran term hermaphrodite, mingled among the others in not robes but dressings of white gauze that clung to their bodies. They were referred to as Dart’e. These individuals, regardless of the caste they were birthed into, appeared to be honored among their people as the carriers of their young and, interestingly enough, were able to change their sex when needed. They moved about the group with grace, their features pleasant and Spock noted several who cast looks at the Captain.

Among the native inhabitants were the other members of the Enterprise crew. Sulu and Chekov were seated at one of the tables surrounded by two Anobians that Spock had not been introduced to. The young Russian was gesturing wildly with his hands and the Anobians’ ears were moving rapidly in a manner Spock recognized as pleasure. Dr. McCoy stood just behind them engaged in conversation with an older Anobian who appeared to be enjoying the Doctor’s penance for alcoholic beverages.

Scotty and Uhura were together, speaking with a female Spock recognized as the head of their Engineering division. Scotty’s hand rested on Nyota’s lower back and she was leaning into his side. Spock had been a little surprised at the development of their relationship, but realized that they were better suited for each other than he and Nyota had been. She was a passionate woman who knew herself well. Spock felt as if he was constantly trying to keep up with her as she wanted to move their relationship forward. After Khan, Spock could not pretend anymore that he was not as invested in her as she deserved. She, of course, had already known. She took the dissolution of their arrangement well, only stating her regrets that she could not be what he needed her to be.

Scotty treated her well though. Spock had observed them on several social occasions and even one time he happened upon them in Observation Deck 3. Spock was pleased she was happy. 

“Are you mated Captain?”

The Overseer’s voice halted Spock in the observations he was making. Spock turned back toward the two men, Jim's eyes widened and he carried a slight look of confusion on his face.

“Mated? No I am not.”

“Would I than be able to offer you some companionship for your stay? My people pride themselves in accommodating all of our guests needs.”

Spock stilled. His Jim’s sexual conquests, he knew, were largely misconstrued, but Jim was no virgin. But since the Enterprise had been re-launched, he had not known of him to have taken a lover even for a night. Jim was an attractive man and garnered the attention of both females and males. As irrational as it was, Spock felt ill at the thought of his Captain seeking pleasure with another and could not squelch the flutter in his heart as he steeled himself for Jim’s response.

“Overseer, I am honored by your offer. However, I unfortunately must decline.”

Spock froze. _That_ was not the response he had expected to hear.

“Are you otherwise engaged? If you have no mate?”

“I am unsure of your meaning to “engaged”? Jim asked politely. The Universal Translator was doing well with the native language but it was not yet perfect. 

“My people are a very open race when it comes to sharing pleasures. We honor the bonds of mating. I believe your communications officer referred to this as ‘marriage’?”

Jim nodded in agreement.

“Outside of mating, we enjoy pleasure with many others. Only those that are “engaged” do not. To use this means that you have vowed to remain Cat’el. It is a vow to not engage in pleasures.”

“Is this Cat’el something that is vowed as part of a religion?”

Overseer Jorge smiled gently. “Most often it is. Those who pledge their lives to the deity Ohamona do not often engage in pleasure with others. Is this why you decline? Have you vowed to a deity?”

Spock watched as Jim’s shoulders relaxed and he smiled gently. “Yes, that is correct.”

Spock’s brow drew together once again in thought, but he knew better and had been on enough First Contacts with Jim to not correct his Captain in such situations. It was Jim’s choice whether he had sex with anyone or not. But he was more than relieved to hear Jim decline the offer.

Dinner was an uneventful yet pleasant affair. The Anobian were gracious hosts. After the conclusion of the meal, Spock himself retreated to the gardens that surrounded the governmental building seeking solitude and contemplation. He wondered for one point four six hours before finally admitting that he was restless. Despite the serenity of the surroundings, he found himself walking toward the quarters that had been assigned to the landing party for the duration of their stay, seeking meditation to clear his mind.

He was more than a little surprised to find Jim standing outside his room looking out over the very gardens Spock had been walking through. It was a beautiful sight to behold and Spock stopped, unable to not appreciate the site of the landscape or of the man. As he stood now, face relaxed and open, Spock thought he had never seen anything as attractive as Jim Kirk. His blond hair was a little in disarray, most likely from him running his fingers through it. His blue eyes were wide and shone brightly in the setting suns, a bit of a contrast to the warm tone of his skin. His stance was pliant, not something Spock saw very often and he was internally grateful for this mission to have gone as smoothly as it had been so far.

Spock felt his heart contract painfully, his mind and body filled with awe and wonder of the man. He wanted so desperately to walk over to him, to slide his hands around his trim waist, pull him into his arms and watch the sky with him.

Spock shook his head. It was a fantasy he had decided was not for him. He needed to concentrate on his work, on being a good First Officer. It was illogical to do otherwise.

He approached Jim quietly. He appeared to be deep in thought and had not heard him. As he made his way closer, Spock cleared he throat gently. Jim tensed and turned toward him, but relaxed again. “Good evening, Mr. Spock.”

Spock internally frowned. Jim had been referring to him as “Mr. Spock” since they had left the Yorktown 3 months ago. Spock had long concluded he was not happy about it. It made him feel as if Jim was using it to keep distance between them. They did not share the same comradery as they did before. Spock found he could not blame him.

“Good evening, Captain.”

Spock was unsure how to continue the conversation and Jim turned back toward the setting suns appearing content to not continue the conversation either.

“I am curious, Captain, as to why you lied?” Spock internally grimaced. He had not intended to ask that particular question. Jim shot him a questioning looking so Spock added, “When you were offered…companionship.”

Jim’s posture stiffened and Spock had the distinct feeling that he had offended him, even inadvertently. “I was not interested in having companionship. Despite my reputation, I am not the whore most think I am. Good night, Mr. Spock.” Jim turned on his heel and started walking toward the open door to his room.

“Captain?” Spock called after him, rushing a little to catch up before he could close the door. Jim did not respond, nor did he even look back at him.

“Jim?” he questioned, less formally, hoping to get the other man to stop.

This time Jim did stop. He turned slightly around and looked Spock head on. His face expressed anger, but his eyes betrayed the pain. “Good night, Mr. Spock.” Jim entered his room and closed the door soundly behind him.

Spock stood for another five point six minutes staring illogically at the closed door before turning toward his own room.


	4. Duradian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A routine landing does not end well.

Duradian had been a trap.

Several months prior, the Duradians had sent a delegation to Starbase 6, the closest one to their home world on the outskirts of the Bardion system, which had been largely unexplored by Starfleet due to its distance. Even at Warp 8, it took nearly two weeks to reach the outer limits and then another six days to reach the main planet in the system.

Starfleet had requested that the Enterprise divert from its original course to Delta Minor to make contact as they were already half way to the system. Spock himself had spent time looking over the information that Starfleet had sent. For the most part, Duradian appeared to be highly industrialized and controlled via a council of elected elders. Not much was known about the people themselves, but when they arrived at the Starbase they presented as a non-hostile race interested in trade agreements and the exchange of goods with the Federation and its associated planets. Duradian was rich in minerals but lacked agricultural development.

Jim, Sulu, Uhura and three other crewmen had beamed down an hour ago. But so far they had not heard anything from them. Spock had requested that their communications be monitored. Spock controlled his feelings of irritation toward his Captain. He would never understand the man’s inability to follow standard protocol. 

“Commander, the landing party’s comms just went down,” Ensign Marcus’ voice stated calmly, which meant that now the communicators were not even active.

Spock tensed minutely. There could be a number of reasons why they had lost contact. It was not the first time it had happened. Often Jim turned his off when he was negotiating or did not want to be bothered. But something that Jim referred to as his “gut” told Spock that this was not something to be ignored. “Mr. Scott,” Spock hailed the Chief Engineer over the ship wide communications system.

“Aye, Commander?”

“Do you have a lock on the away team?”

“I am sorry Sir, I do not. Something appears to be interfering with our signal.”

“Mr. Scott, how precisely is that possible? The landing party did beam down, correct?”

“Aye, Commander, the beam out was successful. What I am seeing was not there when they left. Best guess it was activated after they transported down. I’ll try and clean some things up and see if we can use the long range scanners to cut through whatever they got going on.”

“Inform me as soon as you do.” He knew he was being abrupt but he could not logically feel the need to care.

“Ensign, please open a hailing frequency to the Electoral Masior.”

“Aye, Sir. On screen,” Marcus stated as he punched in the frequency and activated the view screen.

It took three point two minutes for the Electoral to respond. Spock stood rigid, not even maintaining parade rest as was his usual stance.

“Commander Spock, how may I be of assistance?”

“Electoral Masior. We have lost contact with our away team. Can you please ascertain their location and have them respond as soon as possible,” Spock spoke in short clipped tones. Despite the fact that the Dardian were non-humanoid, resembling more of an insect with four eyes that moved independently, they exhibited many of the same facial mannerisms as humans. Spock recognized the surprise on the Electoral’s face immediately. Which was quickly followed by an expression that told Spock the man wished he was anywhere else but there at that moment.

“My apologies, Commander, but the away team never arrived.”

“And you were made aware of this when?”

“We were notified about 5 turns ago.”

Spock’s brow rose along with his temper. Turns ago was a reference to time that equated to 10 Earth Standard minutes. The Electoral had known the away team had not arrived since almost the moment they had beamed down. “And you failed to notify us why?”

The Electoral swallowed visibly, the scales rippling softly along his elongated neck.

“Are you aware of their location?” Spock plowed on, shifting this from a diplomatic situation to one that may now need to involve a search and rescue. Spock was not happy.

“No, I am sorry I do not.”

Spock huffed, the only thing the beguiled his frustration. “Do you know what happened to them?”

“We- we are not sure. But we believe that a militant group, who call themselves the Hurodina, may have intercepted them as they were being brought to the Congressional Hall.”

“You believe?”

Electoral Masior swallowed audibly again, obviously a sign of anxiety. He opened his mouth to say more but quickly closed it.

“Electoral, please transmit the last known whereabouts of this militant group immediately as well as any other information regarding their activities.”

Spock did not wait for the Electoral to respond but signaled Marcus to end the transmission. Spock’s mind was quickly running through various options.

“Commander, we are receiving a priority message from New Vulcan,” Marcus’ voice cut through the silence that had descended since Spock first spoke to Scotty.

“New Vulcan?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Spock turned toward the Ensign and met his gaze. His face communicated nothing, but the slight upturn of his brow stated that he too was more than confused.

“Put it through.”

No sooner than the words had passed through his mouth than the main screen blinked and the face of his elder self filled it. “Ambassador,” Spock spoke quickly, raising his hand in the traditional Vulcan greeting.

“Spock, there is little time for pleasantries. Your Captain and the rest of the landing party are in trouble.”

“Sir?” Spock forced his lungs to relax.

“You are in orbit around Duradian, correct?”

Spock nodded stiffly. “Affirmative.”

“And you have lost contact with the landing party. Sensors cannot pick them up as I suspect they have already been moved underground and your scanners are being blocked. You must assemble a security team as soon as possible. They are in danger.”

Spock did not even hesitate in believing the elder man. He was after all himself. He had lived his life before being brought into this universe and was more than aware of some of the history involved. “Did this happen in your timeline?”

Spock Prime’s lips turned down slightly, an indication of frustration. “Not specifically. The Duradian had already been in a state of conflict when Starfleet made First Contact. Their original negotiations were with the radicals that had seized power. Their arrival at Starbase 6 was not part of my life. They were hostile toward us from the beginning. Jim,” Spock Prime paused, “my Jim was taken prisoner in an attempt to force the Federation to make more trade concessions. As the events have unfolded different in this time, I have logically concluded that the outcome may be different as well.”

Spock considered this information and calculated the chances of this situation devolving. By his estimates, those figures were quiet high. Either way he was not going to take any chances.

“Mr. Scott.”

“Aye, Commander. I was just about to comm you. We have been able to clear up the scanners, but I cannot say for how long I can keep them moving. They must be using the ionization in the atmosphere to bounce our signals off left and right, Sir. I have Baines working on a better approach but I can get a team beamed down.”

“Ambassador, do you have more pertinent information?”

“If history remains relatively the same, Jim and the landing party are being held in an underground facility located in a forested area just south of the Capitol. A high tackeon pulse helped to cut through the interference but only worked planet-side. That is all that I feel will be valuable to you.”

“Mr. Chekov, you have the con. Any issues contact Mr. Scott,” Spock’s orders rang out loudly and within minutes a team was heading toward the transporter room. 

***************

Jim woke to a sharp ache in his head. He sat up only to flop back down as dizziness invaded his vision.

“Don’t move Captain.”

Jim heard the soft voice of Sulu. Jim obeyed and laid still for a few moments.

“You took a blow to the back of the head.” Jim heard Uhura close to his ear. He concentrated on breathing deeply and calming the rolling in his stomach. Other than his head, noting else hurt. The blow must have been pretty bad however as he could not remember anything after they had beamed down to the surface.

“Great,” Jim muttered. He opened his eyes slightly and waited for the fuzziness to fade. Sulu was kneeling next to him. A glance to the right showed Uhura as well. Both looked concerned but not as if he was close to dying and neither appeared injured.

“What the hell happened?”

“We were ambushed, Sir. Almost as soon as we finished the beam out,” the young pilot helped Jim sit up.

The room they were in looked to be carved out of compacted dirt, he could smell the moldiness of damp soil and the staleness of the air. Which meant more than likely they were underground. That was not good. Jim signed heavily. Only one side was open and of course is was covered in slim set bars. They appeared old, but sturdy.

Jim fought the rise of bile in his throat remembering another such place.

“Do you know who ambushed us?”

“They were Duradian for sure, but outfitted in what appeared to be military gear, they are armed with what my ancestors would call a bayonet but with an electrified tip, padded outer wear that looks like it is made out of some sort of skin,” Sulu explained reaching up to message his left bicep. “My guess, Captain, is that they were a resistance group of some sort,” Sulu stated. “There was no sign of the Duradian delegation. Whether they were there at all or they were killed I can’t tell.”

Jim nodded. He liked Sulu’s ability to observe, which was why he often assigned him to his away teams. As a pilot he had good instincts and he had the ability to translate that to other situations. “Have they made any demands yet?”

Uhura shook her head. “They haven’t said much of anything. The Universal is down, but I learned enough before we landed. All I can tell you is that they are pissed off.”

“Are the others alright?” Jim asked motioning toward the other three members of the landing party, all security personal, who were sitting across the room together. 

“Yes, bumps and bruises mostly. You were hit the hardest.”

Jim scrubbed his hands over his face. “Gee, I wonder why?” Jim jested without much humor. As the Captain he would always be the biggest target. “So I guess we are waiting for them to make the next move. Communicators?”

“They confiscated all of them along with our phasers, my scanner and Jenson’s tricorder,” Sulu commented. “Don’t know if they destroyed them or not.”

“And without them the Enterprise can’t track us unless they are scanning for humanoid life forms.”

“I doubt even if they hadn’t taken them the Enterprise could track us down here,” Sulu frowned.

“Do we know where here is?”

Sulu picked up a stick from the floor and scratched into the dirt. “The beam down point was here,” he marked an X. “I estimated that we walked about 1.5 kilometres through a dense forest directly South of that point,” he said making another mark in the dirt. “There was some sort of opening, a single airlock maybe, hidden in the brush that was guarded when we approached. We were forced down a tunnel and moved another half a kilometre but I do not know in which direction. I think this is some sort of abandoned hideout or military barracks. As we walked it felt like we were moving further underground. I figure at least a meter or two of dirt above us,” Sulu concluded and tossed the stick away. “We are in the last cell, there were four others we passed on the way in. None of them were occupied, so I guess we are their only guests at this point.”

“Any idea of how many there are?”

“It is hard to say. There were six at the beam down point. Another three at the entrance. But it is hard to say how many were unseen. Possibly one more. The one who brought us some food and water was not one I recognized from before.”

As if reminded, Uhura brought a container, shaped into a rough bowl, up to Jim’s lips. He sipped a little but denied more. “I am good. Give the rest to the others.”

Uhura frowned but obeyed his request.

As soon as he felt a little steadier, Jim crab walked his way back toward the wall and propped himself up. He needed time to think.

Unfortunately, the Duradian had other ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine and mine alone!


	5. Captivity Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and the rest of the landing party are held captive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I definitely made some things up here. I am not, nor will I ever claim to know anything about phasers or quartz emissions, even if such things existed any where other then in my mind.

Jim arched against the hot sting of the prod. He refused to scream, but could not help the panting as his lungs struggled to fill. They had been at it for over an hour. His arms were numb from being strung up. The tension was tight enough that his feet barely hit the floor, adding pressure to his shoulders and cramping his legs. They had removed his shirts, the clicking of their native language suggesting they were not impressed by his human physique ( _well Jim wasn’t impressed with their physique either_ ). Jim wished he could have flipped them off. So far, the Duradian hadn’t said anything of importence, but appeared to poke at him out of shear entertainment as the bayonet, as Sulu had described it, did not appear to produce enough electrical current to kill him, but just enough to sting like hell. He could see the beginnings of some pretty awesome electrical burns on his chest and arms.

“Christ, what is it that you want?” Jim finally breathed out between jabs.

The Duradian, the one welding the bayonet, did something with its face that Jim thought was a smile but could not be sure. He, she, it, Jim could not tell, made a few clicking sounds of which he understood only two: outsiders and terminate.

“Well than come on! If you are going to kill me than kill me already,” he said glaring at the one in front of him. _It wouldn’t be the first time_ , he thought coolly.

The Duradian stopped for a moment and blinked two of its four of eyes. And then stuck the prod directly onto the skin of his throat.

This time Jim did screamed before he mercifully blacked out.

*******

The next thing Jim knew he was back in the cell, Sulu and Uhura talking softly.

“Guess they didn’t kill me than,” Jim scrapped out, his throat sore and dry. It hurt to swallow.

“Stop being an asshole, Kirk,” Uhura barked. She lifted the rough bowl again and offered him water. Jim sipped it gratefully but it brought little relief.

“How long have I been out?”

“Not sure. They just brought you back a few moments ago.”

He felt Uhura attempt to lift his shirts to examine his chest. He winced at the touch, gentle as it was. “None of this looks life threatening,” she stated as she touched a few of the larger burns.

“Yeah, I don’t think they actually want to kill me. Just some good old fashioned torture seemed to be the only thing on the menu.”

“I don’t see how you can joke at this,” Uhura admonished.

“It’s a survival skill,” Jim deadpanned.

Uhura opened her mouth to say something. The hard look in her eyes however faltered and instead she nodded. She was more than aware of his past.

“They didn’t tell you what they wanted from us?”

“The one using me as a human pin cushion was saying some things. Couldn’t make out much, but I think they are purists. They definitely do not like outsiders,” Jim tried to get himself comfortable, but everything hurt.

“So what do we do now?” Sulu motioned everyone together around the Captain.

“I noticed when they took me out that one of the other cells has some equipment in it. I thought I saw a small shield generator, not very big, but I couldn’t tell whether it was operational or not. Even if they are looking for us they may not be able to detect us if we are shielded. But if we can get ahold of it, we may be able to modify it to produce a quartz pulse. The Enterprise may be able to pick that up even down here.”

“Yeah, but how do we get it?”

“Don’t know yet,” Jim sighed and let his head fall back, his eyes sliding shut. The benefit of his analytical brain was the ability to think of various scenarios. As there really was not much else to do, he had ample time to do just that. The benefit of his illogical emotions was that, unlike his first officer, he considered all potential options, even the ones that might end up getting him killed.

Jim had not thought about Spock for a while having pushed him aside. And he did not want to start now. Thinking about him only made the pain in his heart heavier and Jim could not afford the distraction. But he also could not deny that he hoped Spock was out there trying to figure out a way to rescue them. If anything, Kirk figured he would want to make sure Uhura was alright. Although Jim knew their relationship had ended some time ago, they were still friends.

Plus Scotty probably would not rest until she was safely back on board.

Spock would undoubtedly be pissed at him, thinking that this was just another screwed up situation Jim’s bad decisions got himself into. Jim could just imagine the look of disappointment on his First Officer’s face, his lips turned down into more of a frown. And behind the normally vacant eyes, Jim imagined Spock thinking that he deserved everything he had coming to him.

It was painful to admit that no matter how hard he worked to be a better person, that it would never be enough for Spock. As a Captain or as anything else.

 _Alright Kirk, enough_ , he thought solemnly.

There was no conceivable reason to continue to think about Spock.

But even as he tried to not think about him, it appeared all his brain wanted to do was think about him and Kirk grunted in frustration.

“Are you alright, Captain?” Sulu asked as he sat next to him.

“Yeah, just frustrated. It might help to know what they wanted, or why they ambushed us in the first place,” the lie slid across his chapped lips effortlessly.

“I agree. I think we have been here for about two days now. Do you think the Enterprise knows we are gone?”

“I have no doubt,” Jim responded. Not only was he pretty sure that someone, even it was not Spock, should have realized their communicators were down by now, but he had also felt some bursts of concern soon after they had been captured. They had been muted, probably from the distance, however Jim had felt them none the less and knew at least Prime was aware something was wrong.

“Here you need to eat something,” Sulu pushed a small plate of what looked to be bread and vegetables at Jim. “It’s not bad, dry though.”

Jim looked at the food and his stomach rolled painfully. He had gone longer without food than two days, so he politely declined feigning tiredness and asked it be given to the others. “I am going to try and get some rest.”

Sulu nodded.

Jim sat back and closed his eyes. He breathed deeply and brought an image up in his mind of Spock Prime. The old weathered face was a balm. The man smiled more freely than his counterpart and Jim felt a deep fondness for the man. He did his best to concentrate and pushed with whatever mental force he could muster hoping that he could convey their situation. If Prime picked up on any of it Jim did not know.

Once again his mind turned to Spock. He was confident that if anything happened to him, Spock would make a good captain. He would go on without Jim and chart the universe. Jim felt no comfort in that. He wondered if Spock would miss him, or be relieved that he would no longer have to put with his troublesome human self. He would find a nice Vulcan wife to settle down with eventually and Jim would be nothing more than a distant memory, the logical conclusion to an illogical life.

Jim opened his eyes partially and looked over at his fellow crew. Uhura was leaning up again the wall in a similar manner as he was, her eyes closed but she did not appear to be sleeping, and something occurred to him.

“Nyota?”

“Yes, Jim?” she responded without opening her eyes.

“When you and Spock were together, were you bonded?”

Uhura opened her eyes and looked at Jim sharply. “We were never married, you know that.”

Jim shook his head. “There are different kinds of bonds, some stronger than others. Family members have them but all Vulcans share a weak bond with each other. Spock mentioned it was the breaking of those bonds that contributed to emotionally compromising him after Nero. I thought maybe you had shared something similar with him. You were together for a while.”

“What are you getting at, Captain?”

“Sometimes even weak bonds can be used to communicate things, like emotions. If you shared that with Spock you may be able to get a message to him. Or at least maybe lead him to us?”

Uhura frowned. “I don’t think we were ever that close.”

“Pardon?”

Uhura’s frown deepened. “We never melded, Captain. We would have had to meld for any bond to form.”

 _Not entirely true_ , Jim thought, but kept that to himself

Jim stared blankly at her a moment noting her regret. To Jim’s knowledge melding took place for a number of reasons. Spock Prime had done so with him as had his Spock. It was also however a matter of trust. Not everyone could tolerate the insertion of another’s mind. Jim seemed well suited for it. Neither Spock had any trouble. “I am sorry, Nyota. I did not mean to pry.”

Uhura frowned. “It is not your fault. We only tried once, but we never connected. There was apparently already a bond there.”

Jim found that rather curious as he had not thought it was exclusive. Prime had not mentioned that either. But he filed that away for later. If he had a chance to talk to Spock Prime again, he would have to ask.

Jim allowed his eyes to slide shut. He dozed off thinking of pale skin and chocolate colored eyes.

*******

The scrape of the barred door opening roused him sometime later. Two Duradians entered the cell and grabbed Jim underneath his arms and hauled him to his feet.

“Come on, leave him alone,” Uhura’s voice was hard and Jim grinned internally.

One of the Duradian looked at her and two of its four eyes moved over her form. Lust apparently was a universal emotion as Jim could only describe the Duradian’s look as such.

“No, you want me, she is of no use to you,” Jim diverted their attention back to himself.

The Duradian looked at Nyota one more time before dragging Jim out of the cell. Jim did not go quietly however. Once out of the cell, he kicked the Duradian on his left side hard in what Jim thought to be the insect’s shin. He was rewarded with a howl and the second Duradian momentary loosened his grip. Jim shoved his elbow into the second Duradian’s midsection. He turned in time to see Sulu dodge quickly into the adjacent cell.

The two Duradians recovered quickly and shoved Jim to the ground. Jim continued to struggle with the strength he had. He was kicked in the stomach and both arms were twisted against his back. Pain flared in his shoulders, his eyes stung from the dirt his face was shoved into. His hands were tied and after a quick succession of chirps between his two captures, Jim was lifted up and dragged the rest of the way down the earthen hall. When Jim twisted around he saw the door to the cell closed.

He hoped he had given Sulu enough time.

*******

Jim did not know how long he was out for. The constant electrical prodding rendered him unconscious after a few minutes.

He came to after being brought back to the cell. The damp stink of the air and of unwashed bodies assaulted his senses and Jim coughed to clear his lungs. Unfortunately doing so woke the myriad of burns and he sat up in pain.

“Captain!”

Jim opened his eyes and stared into the concerned eyes of Nyota. “I’m alright,” he gasped and waited for the pain to ebb. They had least put his shirt back on.

He looked at Sulu who slowly shook his head and moved closer. The small field generator was cradled in his hands, a red light blinking steadily indicating it was working.

No one said a word.


	6. Captivity Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock finally locates Jim and the others. And finally admits his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and kind support! Again all mistakes are mine!

Despite the help of Spock Prime, the security team still found themselves at a disadvantage once they beamed down to the surface. The Duradian government had provided them with as much information as they had on who they felt was responsible, which was not much. They found they had to still pick their way through the surrounding jungle to get close enough to the last known location of the resistance members. And because of the interference they could get no true readings on how far they were away from the landing party even scanning for humanoid lifeforms and using the high tactueon field as suggested by Prime.

Spock’s irritation rose each day that passed as they fruitlessly combed the area. Spock had taken to snapping orders without regard, and was generally in a foul mood. Spock found that he did not care. It was not until the fifth day that one of the security officers called for Spock’s attention.

“Commander, I have been picking up a faint quartz signal for the last 30 minutes or so. I am not sure if it means anything.”

Spock strode over to Ensign Sparks and examined the tricorder readings. The signal was faint but steady. Spock considered the options of what could be generating such an output. “And this was not detected prior?”

“No, Sir. I first noted it after we beamed down and began combing the area, but it has increased steadily as we have moved further South.”

Spock lifted his own scanner and adjusted the settings until it too pinged with the quartz emission. Spock followed the signal for another thousand meters into a dense section of undergrowth. He and the ensign pushed the heavy brush aside and found a rock formation hidden well out of sight. Spock scanned the structure and found that it was not made of any known sedimentary material. It in fact had the composition of metal even though it looked physically like a lava formation that were common on Vulcan. Specifically it appeared to be made of an alloy that the Duradian manufactured.

Spock spend another 30 frustrating minutes examining the formation before finding a small indentation that when pushed revealed a circuit panel. It was relatively easy to bypass the circuitry and the airlock popped open with an expulsion of dank air.

Scanning the inside quickly, the tricorder readings indicated no life forms. Spock led the way down a set of earth worn stairs, his heart beating rapidly on his side, his phaser out and sharpened senses making his progress faster than his human counterparts. The stairs leveled out and they found themselves in a small anti-chamber with two archways. One lead down a hallway that was dark and smelled slightly of wet dirt and mold. The other hallway was faintly lit but looked more used. Spock scanned both passages and noted the signal was not localized down either.

“Which way, Sir?”

Spock looked back at Sparks with no emotion what so ever. “I believe this is the most logical route,” he gestured toward the passage on the right, the one not lit. Logically, one would not waste light and warmth on prisoners. Sparks had been on Spock’s team before and knew better than to question the Vulcan. He motioned the rest of the team to follow.

They moved as quickly as they could, not encountering any adversaries until they had worked their way through three different passages following the now strengthening quartz emission. Spock turned one corner and ran into three Duradians. They were clearly not expecting them as they appeared to be sitting around a heat emitter. The first phaser fire however summed others and soon the passage was filled with close to twenty Duradians. Duradian weaponry was no match to the Federation issued phasors however the close area in which they were in prevented their use without risking the other members of the security team. Spock abandoned his phaser and took out two Duradians with his bare hands. The Duradians fought hand to hand with more precision and two crewmembers fell before they were able to overpower them.

Spock did not stop to think about them, not yet anyway. He was focused on finding the landing party and getting back to the Enterprise as quickly as possible. Spock turned a corner and found another smaller passage lined with what appeared to be cells, what Spock figured was a detention area. He scanned the area and it pinged happily with the indication of human life.

“Commander!” Sulu yelled getting up and running to the door of the last cell.

“Stand back Lieutenant,” Spock instructed. Everyone moved away and Spock used his phaser to blow open the door. 

A quick survey proved that the landing party was unhurt for the most part. The Captain however was laying in the back of the cell, unconscious. Spock buried his fear and moved to run his tricorder over his prone form as the others were taken care of by Sparks. He relaxed marginally when the readings came back that he was alive. He had bruising on his right cheek and several scraps and cuts but nothing life threatening that Spock could tell. Still the man did not rouse until Spock picked him up to carry him out.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim,” he replied softly hoping the Captain would not mind the informal greeting.

“I knew you would come,” came the almost inaudible response before his body went completely limp.

Spock clutched him closer. Jim’s body temperature was always cooler than his, but against his higher Vulcan metabolism, he felt down right frigid. With a single minded determination, Spock moved through the barracks, the rest of the landing party and security team behind them. He spoke to no one.

The way out was easier but it took nearly an hour before they found a suitable spot to beam out. This was delayed even more by the need to wait for Scotty and the engineering team to cut their way through the ionization.

Spock held Jim the entire time, not wanting to relinquish him to anyone. He split his attention between the others and his Captain who had not moved or spoken. Spock did not relax one iota until he himself placed Jim on a biobed.

As Dr. McCoy commenced his work, Spock allowed himself a single moment to let his emotions slip through his shields and he felt the hot prick of tears against his eyelids. But only a moment. He had a report to file and he needed to check on the other injured. He fled Sickbay before Dr. McCoy could ask him if he had any injuries.

*********

“Two losses, Admiral, Lieutenant Simock and Ensign Chaez both from security.” Spock gave his verbal report to Pike over the closed channel. The official report would have to wait until Jim and the others recovered.

“And Jim?” Pike’s concern was evident.

“Stable. But he was unconscious when we found him. I have not received an update from Dr. McCoy as of yet.”

“Commander, any evidence that this was intentional?”

“Unknown, Sir. From the information we gathered, the original delegation’s intention was to open trade talks with the Federation. It appears that a radical group who opposed “off-worlders” become aware that the Federation was sending a delegation and ascertained the location of the beam down point. I believe that they used our visit as an opportunity to gain a bargaining position or, what do humans call it, “make a statement”. The Electoral attempted to cover it up as best he could. I do not believe that he acted out of malice. Stupidity maybe, but I believe he was doing what he felt was best and not make Starfleet aware of the volatile nature of the group.”

Pike nodded on the screen grimly. “Starfleet Command is not taking this lightly. We are convening in the morning to plan our next steps. We want you to remain in the system for now, but no interaction is to be made. If they launch any probes or craft do not intercede unless they pose a threat. Their spacecraft would not be able to stand against ours, but there is no need to further inflame the situation. Understood?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I can’t say I am happy that you mounted the rescue without sanction from the Fleet, but in light of everything I do not think it will go beyond a few mumbled comments.”

Spock recognized the standard Fleet “hand slapping” for what it was. Pike nor the Fleet cared for species who desired to engage in trade but then turned hostile. No one would have an issue with his choice to retrieve the away team, but the Fleet needed to maintain its position. “Understood, Sir. The decision was mine. And based off of the information provided by Ambassador Spock we did not have much time to wait.” Spock countered.

“Yes, it was. Too bad the timelines are so different, he could be of great help.”

“Even if he knew more, I doubt he would be willing to share, Admiral.” Spock knew it made no logical sense to divulge such information. It would prevent the natural evolution of what was to come. The Ambassador had long held the position that this timeline was too much removed from his to be of any good with apparently a few exceptions. Spock had spent time thinking about the Ambassador and his timely intervention. He had come to believe that Spock Prime had more than a little information regarding the incident. _That is all that I feel will be valuable to you_.

Pike grinned broadly. “Spoken by the man himself. Either way, good work Spock.”

The transmission ended. Spock sat in Jim’s seat in his ready room and felt troubled. He pushed himself up and entered the bridge. The Beta crew was already in place and Spock relayed the orders from Command and bid the crew a good night.

Without realizing it he found himself outside Sickbay. Lieutenant Sulu was sitting up on his biobed as Nurse Chapel checked his vitals. Chekov hovered on the other side a nervous ball of energy. 

“Lieutenant, Ensign.” Spock nodded at both of them as he approached. “How are you feeling?”

Sulu’s face registered surprise for a split second before falling into a soft smile. “I am good Commander, just bumps and bruises. Thank you for getting us out of there.”

“The quartz emission was helpful in determining your location.”

“That was the Captain’s idea. He provided me the opportunity to get the shield generator.”

“Yes, the Captain has an affinity for putting himself in harm’s way,” Spock commented dryly.

“No, Commander. He was the only one the Duradian were interested in hurting. He took advantage of the situation, but he definitely didn’t do it on purpose. They tortured him.”

Spock nodded at Sulu but remained stone-faced.

“I have already spoken to Admiral Pike. Your report can wait a few days. Get some rest.”

Sulu’s eye widen marginally, but he said nothing.

Spock nodded again and turned toward the private rooms that were on the other end of Sickbay.

Jim was in the first one. Dr. McCoy was running his scanner, making adjustments and muttering under his breath. McCoy worked quickly however and finally looked up at Spock who had not moved from the doorway.

“I am enquiring about how the Captain is.”

“As good as to be expected. Most of his condition was due to malnourishment and dehydration. He gave his food and water to the others,” McCoy comment without his usual condescension. His face looked to be a cross between frustration and pride. “They used some sort of cattle prod to work him over though.”

“Clarify ‘cattle prod’, Doctor.”

Bones set his scanner down. “You know, cattle prod. An instrument about this long,” McCoy set his hands about two meters apart, “with an electrified tip. Terran’s used them back in the day to ‘prod cattle’, you know get them to go where they wanted them to go. It is not deadly by any means, but it hurts like hell and Jim is covered in electrical burns.”

Spock discretely looked at the prone body of his Captain. He was pale, but not as pale as when he had carried him to the transportation cite several hours ago. His face and chest were still marbled with various bruises and Spock eyed the darker discolored areas that denoted the burns the Doctor eluted to. The doctor would more than likely remove them later, but they served as sharp reminders of the Captain’s ordeal. Spock swallowed hard. If things had been different, if their bond had been there, he would have known where Jim and the others were being held sooner, instead of wasting precious days, five days to be precise. Spock could not help the anger that welled up inside himself. 

With reservation, Spock realized he had wasted more than five days. He had in fact wasted six point three months denying what was painfully obvious. Living in a world without Jim was not really living.

He was in love with Jim Kirk.


	7. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim recovers and attempts to move on.

Jim woke slowly. The harsh lights above burned through his eyelids and he squeezed them tighter. The steady beep of a monitor could be heard in the background and the all too familiar feeling of a privacy sheet brushed up against his legs and thighs. But, hey, he could feel it so thank god for the small things. He knew undoubtedly that he was in Sickbay, but he figured that was a good thing. His last memory was of Spock carrying him out of the Duradian barracks. He tried not to think about how good it had felt.

Opening his eyes, Jim blinked repeatedly until they could adjust. Slowly Jim flexed his arms and legs. Hey, another plus, no pain!

“Well, nice to see your awake there, Sleeping Beauty.”

Jim cringed inwardly. Bones’ voice was sarcastic, but Jim knew that was more of a sign that he was concerned than pissed. “Hey, Bones, long time, no see.” Jim’s comment was dirt dry.

“Don’t humor me, kid.”

Jim’s tight smile remained. He tried sitting up, but feeling the aches made it a little difficult.

Bones signed heavily and then stepped forward to offer a hand. Jim smiled gratefully. He turned and dangled his legs over the side of the bed so he could face his friend. “The others?”

Bones frowned as he ran his scanner over Jim one more time. “Everyone from the away team came back with minor injuries. Lost two on the security team sent to retrieve you.”

Jim sighed deeply.

Bones knew not to say anything.

"How long have I been out?"

"About 36 hours. I was actually impressed. You were not that bad off this time."

"Glad I could help you out," Jim grinned ruefully.

"Yeah, well, next time for God's sake eat and drink something. The electrical burns were bad but not so bad they would have killed you. You were doing that yourself."

Jim swallowed hard, knowing exactly what Bones was referring to. He had no response but to shrug his shoulders. Bones should know by now that that was just not Jim.

“Spock stopped by a couple of times. Looked pretty shook up. Which for a Vulcan means he was very shook up.”

Jim looked up at Bones and something on his face must have tipped Bones off. His face softened and his eyes took on an uncharacteristic look of concern. Jim found he could not look away.

“Does he know?” Bones asked after a long silent pause.

Bones was more perceptive than he let on sometimes. In addition, Jim was never good at keeping things from him, he always found out. He was in fact surprised that he had held on to this for as long as he had. Jim found however that he could not say the words. So he nodded instead.

“And he….?”

Jim schooled the features as best he could, not wanting Bones to see exactly how much it still hurt and shook his head no.

“I’m sorry, Jim. He’s a dick, always has been.”

Jim snorted and then shrugged. “Nothing you can do. Nothing anyone can do. You can’t change the way you feel. It just wasn’t right between us.”

Bones blinked in surprise. “Sometimes, though, we make mistakes.”

Jim found all he could do was nod in response.

“Well, this is a sedative,” Bones motioned toward the hypo in his hand. “It will take effect in about an hour. Get something to eat, shower and get yourself to bed, or I will keep your ass here. You’re off for the next 48 hours. The pointy-eared Hobgoblin can stay in command a while longer.” It worried Bones more than he let on that Jim did not even offer a token argument against it. Jim simply bared his throat and the hypo was injected quickly.

“Thanks, Bones.”

Jim dressed quickly. He left Sickbay without any further conversation and made his way to his quarters, thankful that he did not encounter anyone. He was not up for conversation. As requested he replicated some dinner, a bowl of soup, and scarfed half of it down. He headed into the shower and spent his entire water ration standing there doing nothing but letting the too hot water beat over his body. He looked down at himself for the first time and was relieved that Bones had removed most of the bruising. All in all, he had been subjected to a lot worse.

But he felt marginally better. Almost human again.

The rest of the soup sat on his desk and as much as he didn’t want to waste the food, his stomach rolled at the thought of eating anymore. He pulled on a pair of sleep pants and crawled into bed, ordering the computer to turn the lights to 10 percent.

It was only then that he allowed himself five minutes to feel. He did not cry, he did not yell, although his body screamed for both he could not muster the strength to do either.

There was no logic in holding out hope. So Jim let it go and willing allowed the sedative to drag him down.

********

Spock spent most of the Alpha shift coordinating the reports from the members of the away team as they came in. Command was still holding them in the Bardion system, but as of 0800 hours, two additional ships were now taking position along with them. The Neutron and Gallant were both military vessels, so Spock concluded Starfleet was very unhappy and more than likely they would be heading out of the system within the next day or so. Spock was agreeable to letting them deal with it.

The end of his shift however found Spock still on the bridge handling communications between Starfleet and the Duradian government. It was nearly 2200 hours before he felt that he was no longer needed and Beta shift was secure.

He went to the mess first and attempted to eat something. It was illogical to not ingest sufficient nourishment and it would affect his performance. He ordered some vegetables and ate them without tasting. His mind kept wondering back to Jim and finally after failing to focus, Spock dumped his remaining food and made his way to Sickbay.

He was surprised to find the Captain was no longer there.

“Doctor?”

McCoy looked up at the Vulcan has he stood in the doorway of his office. “Yeah?”

“I was not informed the Captain had been released?”

“Yeah, well I did not feel that you needed to be informed. He’s off for the next 48 though, so don’t bother him will you. Gave him a sedative and sent him to his quarters. He’d be more comfortable there anyway.”

“Very well, Doctor.” Spock have a short nod and turned to leave.

“Spock?”

Spock met the Doctor’s gaze. He looked angry and his mannerism told Spock he was wanting to say something but was struggling to do so.

“Yes, Doctor?” he finally prompted.

“Never mind. I’ve got work to do.”

Spock stood for a few moments assessing what just transpired. He could not think of any reason the doctor would not refrain from telling him something he felt important. The doctor would often speak his mind with Spock and dispensed of the pleasantries he might give to others on occasion. Spock was at a loss to understand his behavior, so he left without looking back.

A few minutes later he found himself outside the Captain’s quarters. He rationalized that he was only there to check on the welfare of his Captain. The computer told him Jim was in fact there. He decided against activating the notification, but instead punched in his command code that would override the security.

The room was dimly lit, the lights low but not off. Spock stepped in and the door slid closed behind him. Jim was laying on his stomach across his bed, a sharp exclamation point of exhaustion. He had not been disturbed by Spock’s entry.

Quietly, Spock walked toward the bed and observed Jim, the slow rise and fall of his chest was visible. His face was partially smashed into his pillow. The blanket covering him pushed half way down the bed. Spock cataloged each feature. Most of the bruising was gone thanks to the dermal regenerator, but several of the more severe ones could still be seen even in the dim lighting.

Spock’s gut rolled and he thought for a moment he was going to lose what little food he had managed to eat. The Captain’s face looked peaceful and Spock took comfort in that.

*******

“And let me tell you about the new nurse, Chapman. Not bad on the eyes, smart as a whip…”

Jim let Bones drone on a bit more. He felt guilty for only half pretending he was listening, but Jim just could not summon his interest in the doctor’s newest staff. Jim avoided Sickbay as much as he could. But he and Bones had not had much time to talk since his last stint in there and since there was a little down time as they cruised toward Starbase 4, Jim felt the need to catch up with his old friend.

“Don’t look know, but the new nurse I was talking about is at the bar getting a drink. She’s been eyeing you up.”

Jim snorted, “Maybe she is eying you up?”

“Doubtful, but she seems nice. This is the longest I think I have seen you go, you know. It wouldn’t hurt to try.”

Jim smirked, “Somehow I don’t think you are looking out for my love life, Bones.”

McCoy had the decency to blush. “Look, after everything that happened, I get why you are a little apprehensive. But I don’t think it's healthy to not be doing anything. Are you still hung up on the Hobgoblin?" Jim frowned. He was trying, truly be was. Bones let it drop. "Wouldn’t hurt to try. You spend too much time alone these days.”

Jim understood the unspoken meaning behind Bones’ words. Bones was encouraging him to move on. 

Jim glanced over at the young woman that Bones was referring to. She was rather attractive, short brunette hair and soft eyes that were definitely checking him out. Not for the first time Jim felt the pang in his chest. He had long learned that it was the feeling of longing. Unfortunately, the young brunette was not the one he longed for.

"Gentlemen,” Spock spoke as he approached the two officers.

“Well, Spock, how have you been?” Bones greeted him with more enthusiasm than expected. Jim rolled his eyes and hid his smirk behind his glass of synthesized scotch. Spock did not look uncomfortable, but he knew the Vulcan did not like it.

“I am well Doctor. And yourself?”

“I’m good, I’m good. Care to join us.”

Jim stifled a groan. Spock was the last person he wanted to socialize with. He had not been ignoring his first officer, but things had been different between them for a long time now. They still worked well together, efficient even, in sync with their moods and behaviors. They made a damn good command team as they always had. And Jim had to give the other man credit. Spock treated him as if nothing had happened. He went about his business as usual. Which only served to annoy the hell out of Jim.

Jim could not deny however that he continued to struggle with his emotional attachment to him. It brought him to his knees sometimes, alone in his quarters, thinking about what could have been and will never be. It frustrated him to no end that he was still hung up on the Vulcan as Bones had mentioned. He had not ever had that problem before. Not that Jim was uncaring, he just never felt the way he did about Spock with anyone else.

Something had to change, Jim knew he could not keep going on like this.

He glanced over at the pretty nurse and caught her looking at him again. He smiled softly in acknowledgement. Maybe if he at least tried to get to know someone else? Maybe that would help a little? It really could not hurt.

“Excuse me, Gentlemen, I am going to get myself another drink,” he finally spoke.

Jim rose quickly and made his way over to the bar without sparing a backward glance. The young nurse was sitting by herself and after a quick greeting Jim sat down next to her. He tried to ignore the pair of eyes that bore into the back of his head the best he could.

Spock had made his decision. Jim needed to make his own.

********** 

“Is something wrong, Spock?” Bones asked as he noticed the strange look on the Vulcan’s face.

“Who is that woman the Captain is speaking with? I do not recall her name.”

Bones looked over at the pair sitting at the bar. Nurse Chapman had turned in her seat, legs crossed, attention riveted on Jim. She was flirting pretty heavily and Jim was leaning slightly on the bar top not turned as she was but still looking like he was interested in the conversation.

“That is Nurse Chapman. She transferred on from Starbase 3 when we docked last week. Quiet a looker, don’t you think? And smart to.”

“She appears to be flirting with the Captain,” Spock spoke stoically.

"And it appears he is flirting back, good for him.”

Dr. McCoy was watching the couple and missed the look on Spock’s face. If he had he might have recognized it for what it was: sadness.

"I did not think that the Captain was interested in engaging in romantic relationships with other crewmembers.”

“Relationships?” Bones barked out a laugh. “I am just hoping the kid gets laid,” he commented as he threw back the rest of his drink.

Spock refused to believe that the Captain, his Captain would seek out such a partner, however the logical part of his brain told him that the Captain was not inclined to deny advancement from someone he was interested in. He had not done so on MCLASS47 because he had not been interested. Captain Kirk was not otherwise engaged in a relationship with anyone that Spock was aware of. He was in fact free to see who he desires.

Spock breathed deeply through his nose, trying to calm himself down. The dull ache he now associated with his Captain became a sharp throb. He attempted to center himself, to sort out the jealousy he felt. He had no right to be. He had no claim on the Captain by his own choice. But his heart broke a little more when the two left together.

**********

“This is one of my favorite places on the ship,” Jim commented as he led Nurse Chapman – Nancy, to the low sitting bench he preferred in Observation Deck 3. It sat directly in front of the view window and sometimes when he looked out he felt like he was flying among the stars without the aid of a ship.

They had carried on a decent conversation so far. Jim was doing most of the talking however, with Nancy nodding and agreeing with him. Jim frowned. He sat and motioned Nancy to join him by patting the spot next to him. He received a bright smile in response. 

“It is a beautiful ship, Captain. I was thrilled to find out I was going to be transferred.”

“She is a beauty alright. How have you been adjusting to the ship? Your last two assignments were Starbase 3 and The Andromeda Colony. This is your first time on a ship?”

“Correct, Captain. But I have always wanted to serve on a Starship,” Nancy commented. She adjusted herself a few times and Jim noticed she arched a little further in his direction. She tilted her head in a mockery of the same expression he often saw on Spock, but on her it made him feel uneasy.

Jim really hated small talk. But he wanted to give the young woman a chance.

“Would you like something to drink? There is a small replicator over there. Nothing fancy,” Jim said pointing to the corner.

“Sure. Whatever you want if fine for me as well,” she said smiled widely.

Jim grinned in return. He quickly programmed the replicator for two cups of tea and headed back over to the couch and handed Nancy the hot liquid.

“Tea?”

“Ah, yes. I enjoy a cup late at night. Do you not like tea? I can program something else.”

Nancy stared down at the cup, but then quickly looked up with a gummy smile that actually creeped Jim out a bit. “That’s alright, do not go out of your way for me,” she giggled.

Jim nodded and turned his attention back to view window. The Enterprise was traveling at Warp 1 so the starts moved along gently. He sat for a few minutes trying to think of something to talk about until suddenly he felt Nancy move closer to him on the couch.

“So, Captain…” she started but did not finish. Her voice was low and seductive. Nancy had reached out and started running a single finger down the sleeve of his command golds. When she came to his hand, she continued to travel over each finger, tracing their outline. The smile on her face was gone, replaced by a look Jim could only describe as predatory.

Jim had been flirted with enough to recognize her actions as a possible precurser to sex. He could easily distinguish between someone flirting with him as a way to get into bed with him or flirting with him to get something out of him. Nancy was obviously looking to test the waters and seeing if Jim was interested.

He sighed deeply. She was attractive, and a year ago, he would have had no problem taking her up on the offer she was clearly throwing out there. But Jim found himself uninterested and did not feel the least bit aroused. He refrained from rolling his eyes as it was his own issues that were creating this. He tried, desperately almost, to think only of the young woman. Her hand, after exploring his, was now gently touching his leg and she had shifted further toward him.

Jim thought about the others he had been with in the past. Although his reputation preceded him, he definitely was not a virgin. He could at least name all of the women, and the few men, he had been with and he held no malice toward them or them towards him. He was open and honest about the situation. Everyone involved knew that it was just sex. There were no misconceptions and therefore no one’s feelings were hurt. Jim got what he wanted out of it and so did his partner. Everyone was happy and everyone walked away with some good memories.

Now though, Jim found that the idea of simple casual encounter felt uncomfortable. He craved a deeper connection. His wanted more. He wanted to stay the damn night.

Nancy’s hand was rubbing gentle circles on his thigh and was moving deftly toward his crotch. 

_Alright, so I am looking for something more serious, I get that._ But even as he thought that, his mind flashed to Spock. Spock with his dark eyes and stern face. Spock with his lean body and stupidly straight hair… Jim did his best to shut those thoughts down as they would go nowhere.

Unfortunately, Nancy took his silence as he debated the merits of his love life as permission and made a move to sit on Jim’s lap. He allowed it, but as she leaned forward to kiss him, Jim stopped her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Nancy, you are a very attractive woman, but….”

“You’re not interested?”

Jim sighed heavily. He so wanted to be interested. But he felt like he would be mistreating her if he led her to believe otherwise.

“It is not you, please believe that. I have been through a lot this year. I am not looking for a quick roll in the hay.”

“Are you kidding me?” she asked moving off of his lap and standing in front of him, hands on her hips.

Jim’s brow creased in confusion. “Look, I am sorry if you’re upset, but it’s not like a led you on. I am just looking for something more…substantial.” Even if it is not with Spock, he mind cheerfully supplied. Jim wanted to kick it. “I would like to get to know you more first.”

Nancy frowned, a not very flattering look for her. “Guess everything I heard about you was wrong.”

Jim blinked. He was well aware of his reputation, but whatever preconception Nancy had about him was not enough for him to fake something he did not feel. And she was obviously not interested in more. “I guess it was,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

Nancy looked at him hard and without another word turned and left.

Jim tried not to feel so relieved. He really had wanted to spend some time getting to know her. If she had other ideas, well that was on her. He stared back out at the vast universe in front of him and sipped his tea.


	8. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim seeks some help to resolve his feelings.

Jim sat back in his chair and tried not to eavesdrop on the momentary bickering taking place between his helm crew. Sulu and Chekov had been trying to be subtle with their burgeoning relationship, but Jim had known for a while that the two of them had begun to see each other. Small ship breeds good gossip, well that and the fact that Scotty had caught them making out on Observation Deck 3.

“Is there something the two of you would like to share with me?” he asked pointedly when the bickering rose to a higher decibel level.

Both men turned in their seats to see the Captain watching them closely. Chekov blushed, a stark red against his pale features. But it was Sulu that spoke. “No, sir. Not yet,” he practically whispered adverting his gaze.

Jim’s grinned widened. “Well, when you do, you have my blessing.”

Chekov’s tentative smile was sweet and he looked at Sulu with open affection before turning back to his station. Jim’s grin remained as he glanced over at Uhura who smiled widely back at him and nodded her head in agreement. But it failed completely when he than looked at Spock. His first officer was looking at him blankly, face devoid of emotional expression what so ever. Jim could not help but feel that Spock was not happy with the turn of events.

“Is something wrong, Commander?” Jim spoke coolly. He’d be damned if the Vulcan’s hang ups would get in the way of two of his best crew members finding some happiness.

Spock blinked owlishly and appeared to shake himself. “No, sir.”

Jim nodded his head and if he spent the rest of his shift ignoring his first officer, oh well, because he really didn’t give a shit anymore.

“Sir, incoming priority transmission from New Vulcan,” Uhura’s crisp voice cut through the silence. “Your eyes only.”

“In my ready room. Mr. Spock, you have the con.” Jim was out of his seat before even issuing the order, knowing immediately who it was.

His ready room was a little cool, so he ordered the temperature increased before sitting and entering his code. Spock Prime’s weathered face filled the screen. “Jim.”

Jim smiled and swallowed hard. He felt the rush of affection and concern from the other man sharply and Jim relaxed a bit, knowing that he could with this man. Knowing he cared. Over the past few months they had conversed quite a few times and Jim had begun to know the man that he was. Intelligent but compassionate. Spock Prime did not seem to have a problem balancing out his Vulcan heritage with his human emotions, unlike his First Officer. It was not the first time that Jim had though how it would be if his Spock was more like Prime.

“Prime.”

“I am glad to see you well.”

Jim’s smile widened. “I hear that is thanks to you.”

Prime frowned slightly. “I believe that distinction belongs to my counterpart.”

Now it was Jim’s turn to frown. “If he had not been advised by you it would have taken longer for the crew to recognize what happened. So I believe that you are the reason I am not still in that cell rotting.”

Jim felt the concern from Prime surge, along with a touch of frustration and anger.

“Jim? Do you hate him that much?”

Jim sat for a moment. Did he hate Spock? No. Despite everything, Jim respected the man deeply. They may not always agree and there were days that the idea of throttling the man had to be beaten back with a stick, but Spock made him a better Captain. And a better man.

But could he keep the relationship he had with him? That was a no as well. Every time he looked at Spock he died a little inside. He derived so much pleasure from the connection he had with Prime, he found is comforting in a way he had not known with anyone else. It seemed after all he had been through, and all they, he and his Spock, had been through together, that he would feel so conflicted.

“Jim, you are not mine to have,” Prime spoke gently, but Jim still detected a hint of regret behind the works. Prime missed his Jim deeply.

“Sir, I need your help,” Jim voice sounded distant and not his own.

“Whatever you need, I will strive to achieve it.”

Jim closed the transmission and sat for a few minutes sorting his thoughts. He knew what he needed to do. Existing his ready room, he regarded his crew. They were a good team and he was unwilling to allow his emotions to affect them.

“Mr. Sulu, please set a course for New Vulcan, Warp 4. We have been cleared for a week’s shore leave and the Vulcan government has graciously consented to allow us a visit.”

“Aye, Captain,” Sulu responded and began setting the course from the coordinates sent by his navigator.

Jim could feel Spock’s eyes on him and he took his seat. It took less effort than Jim though it would to meet the somewhat questioning gaze of his first officer. “Mr. Spock, your father sends his regards and wishes you a safe journey.”

Spock’s brows rose in interest. “My apologies, Captain. Did you speak with my father?”

“Not directly. His message was passed on by Spock Prime.”

Spock opened his mouth to say more, but closed it and turned back to his station.

Jim sighed in relief.

The remainder of the trip to New Vulcan was blessedly uneventful. It meant that Jim could spend as much time off the bridge as he pleased which translated into less time having to interact with his First Officer. Jim felt like a little child, hiding as he was, but he failed to care at the time. He kept his mind on their visit to New Vulcan and the promise it held.

*******

Spock Prime floated into the embassy hall, still very agile for a man of his age. His robes were the dull shade of browns and black associated with what Jim would call “work clothes”. Spock was still often startled when he looked at the man and saw his own face looking back.

“It is good to see you, Spock.”

“As it is you, sir,” Spock spoke as he and Spock Prime greeted each other traditionally. He was, dare he say, happy to see his older counterpart. Spock needed his advice desperately. “If you have a moment….” Spock trailed off as Spock Prime raised his hand.

“My apologies young one. But we will have to converse at a later time. Your Captain has requested a meeting.”

Spock nodded his accent and bid Spock Prime well before the older man turned and walked away. Spock was curious, however illogical, as to what his Captain would want from Prime. He watched with that slight ache in his belly again as Spock Prime greeted Jim enthusiastically. Spock Prime appeared to eagerly reach out to touch Jim’s hands and cup them between his own almost reverently. Jim in turn smiled widely, a smile that reached his eyes and one that Spock had not seen in a long time and he wondered at their familiarity.

*********

Spock Prime ushered James Kirk into the antechamber of his rooms as Jim had requested privacy. The young man attempted to breathe deeply and relax himself but his stiff posture gave him away. The young Captain was rolling with emotions and Spock Prime was almost certain he knew the reason.

Prime sat and waited as Jim paced several times around the room. He clearly was building up to something and Spock was not about to interrupt him or demand that Jim tell him. He would make his way to it in his own time. He was a lot unlike his own Jim.

Finally, the young man appeared to resolve himself and turned to meet his gaze.

“Sir, Prime,” Jim paused and took a deep breathe. “Is it possible to use a Vulcan mind meld to make one forget something?”

Prime accessed the younger man quietly. “I surmise that there is something specific that you would like to forget?”

Spock Prime was not surprised to see Jim’s face pale considerably. “To answer your question, yes it is possible, but I must warn you that it may not be successful.”

“How so? Is it dangerous?”

“No, not really. But there is no guarantee that it will work. The mind is a complex thing, even apart from the biology. Vulcan minds are a bit more simplified due to our standard use of logic and discipline. Human minds, well, as my Jim would say, are a ‘crap shoot’.”

Jim grinned slightly. Yeah he could see himself saying that. “So it is not dangerous, can it be focused? To only effect one thing?”

"Such as?”

Jim sighed heavily. “I don’t want to forget everything, just…”

“Jim, forgive me, but I fail to understand exactly what it is you are asking of me?”

Jim lowered his gaze to the floor and did not say anything. “I just want to forget.”

Prime suppressed the flinch he felt at the young man’s broken words. 

"Jim? Forget what?"

The young Captain appeared distressed and Prime felt the urge to comfort him. He would have done anything for his Jim. He found he would do anything for this one as well.

“Jim, we are speaking about memories and thoughts, possibly perceptions? What I can do may not affect the emotions you feel, just so you are aware. Why are you asking me this? It is my counterpart that you are hoping to forget,” it was not a question but a statement.

Jim nodded. “Not forget him, just forget how I feel about him.”

********* 

Spock Prime for a moment looked horrified. Jim knew what he was asking of the man. Essentially Jim wanted to forget him. That had to grate a bit.

“What is the rationale for asking such a thing?”

Jim stood by the large open window looking up at New Vulcan’s solitary moon. The thought that Spock, both of them, would think it strange after living on a world with two crossed his mind. He wondered if it bothered Spock. Like something was missing, something that was once there and now was no more. Jim also thought that at some point, when enough time had passed, the future generations of Vulcans would be alright in a world without two. He hoped that one day he would be alright with a life without Spock in it.

Everything changed with time. Jim just wanted to change too.

“I respect the fact that he does not return my feelings, I have come to terms with it. I am happy that he remains by my side as my first officer. But at the same time, I cannot seem to move on from this,” Jim punctuated his statement slamming his fist into his thigh. “And I want to. I want to move on. I’ve…I’ve come to realize that I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. And I, I respect him too much to keep doing this to him. I am finding it harder and harder to keep the disappointment and sadness at bay. He does not deserve to be on the receiving end of my emotional instability. He deserves to live his life as he has chosen to do.”

“So you ask for this for him?”

Jim’s smile was bitter. “Not just for him, I am after all very selfish.”

“Are you sure? Are you sure that this is what you want?”

Jim nodded but stated, “No, it is not what I want, but I owe it to Spock.”

“Very well,” Spock Prime spoke heavily.

**********

Jim’s body sagged in relief and for only the second time, he turned to meet the steady gaze of Prime remained still for he knew the young Captain was not finished. 

“Is there something else you wish to ask Jim?”

“Would you stay with me tonight?” Jim blurted out, blushed and then plowed on. “Would you hold me, just once,” he paused, eye screwed shut as two tears slide down the shapely contours of his handsome face.

It was hard to watch the strong young man, so like his own, struggle with his emotions over essentially himself. To say that he was disappointed in his counterpoint was an understatement. For he to be so willing to throw away what could be was a monumentally illogical move. 

“And then in the morning, can you take it all away?”

Spock rose swiftly and crossed the room in quick strides, folding the young Kirk in his arms. He reached one hand up and ran his long fingers through hair all too familiar to him. He coaxed the blond head down onto his shoulder and held Jim as sobs raked the strongest man Spock had ever known in any universe.

“As you wish,” he spoke against Jim’s hairline.


	9. Most Illogical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock confronts same hard truths.

Several hours later Spock Prime strode across the wide stone balcony of the Vulcan Embassy, mind occupied. He had spent most of the afternoon meditating and preparing himself for the meld that would alter Jim Kirk’s memories enough that he might be able to forget that he had feelings for himself. Spock could not deny that he did not want to do this. It went against his own feelings for the man that history has yet to learn everything about.

It was with this doubt that he sought out the younger Spock. He might be violating Jim’s trust, but he was willing to risk it. He was not surprised to find Spock in the embassy library. He himself would often retreat to such a place for solitude and distraction when his mind was troubled and he could not find peace.

Spock must have sensed him as he was up out of his seat before Spock Prime was close to the desk he sat at. The younger Spock looked concerned, but he met his gaze steadily.

“Spock.”

“Sir.”

“I know you were looking forward to speaking with me, but I had an urgent matter that needed to be tended to. And now I find that I need to speak with you.”

Spock’s brow rose slightly, the only sign that he was intrigued by the older Spock’s apparent urgency.

“You are aware that your Captain sought my audience today?”

Spock tamped down the flutter in his belly when Spock Prime called Jim “his Captain”. He would under no circumstances let it be known that that was exactly how he thought of his commanding officer.

“Are you aware of what he wanted to talk to me about?”

“Negative, Sir. He did not reveal his desire to speak to you or the content of such a conversation he would like to have with you. I, in fact, did not even know he was in contact with you.”

Spock Prime nodded once. “I know that I am not supposed to reveal this to you, however, my conscious will not let me rest if I do not. I fear that I will than not be at my optimal level to do what Jim Kirk has asked of me. I feel you need to know the extent your Captain is willing to go to protect you.”

Spock breathed deeply, using a time honored technique to slow his racing heart. Inherently he knew that what Prime had to say was not good.

“I will endeavor to maintain your confidence than, and not reveal your information to anyone else.”

“We will see about that, young one,” Spock Prime spoke with a not so rare smile gracing his aged but wise face. He did however not immediately speak. Letting the silence rain until Spock the younger had managed to relax himself. He must have waited too long, as the younger Spock spoke first.

“Is Jim – the Captain alright?”

Spock Prime hummed a bit. “That depends on how you define alright," he responded rather cryptically.

“Sir, if there is something wrong, I would like to know. Jim – Captain Kirk….is my friend.”

“I understand your concern, however physically the man is fine. He sought audience with me to ask if I would, as a Tarren would say, do him a favor.”

“And that favor is?” Spock felt that he really did not want to know, but not knowing bothered him even more.

“To sleep with him tonight,” Spock Prime spoke bluntly. As he suspected, his young counterpart did not respond well and jerked so suddenly he drove his hip into the desk beside him, knocking several books to floor.

“He asked you….” Spock could not find it in him to finish, the mere thought that Jim would seek out pleasure with…with himself… but not himself...did not sit well with Spock at all.

“No, he asked me to simply hold him as he slept tonight.”

“Why would he ask that?” Spoke inquired once he was able to find his voice again.

“I am unsure of the motive for this particular request, however I theorize that it may have something to do with what he has asked me to do in the morning.”

“And what was that?”

“To erase the feelings he has toward you from his mind.”

Spock struggled to control his breathing as his thoughts lost all cohesion. He felt as if he was drowning and he did not have the ability to save himself. Jim wanted to forget about him? No, he just wanted to forget his feelings about him. Was there a damn difference? The mental shields he erected to keep his feelings for the Captain carefully put away cracked and threatened to overwhelm him. He was grateful than when he felt the cool presence of Spock Prime enter his mind and assert his dominance. Spock had not realized that Prime had touched his meld points until he heard his calming voice and steady mental pressure. Spock however felt a number of different things while Prime pushed his thoughts and tried to help Spock sort his. He felt respect, fear, admiration and above all that, love. Not for his Jim, but his own. In turn Spock allowed the feelings he had for his Captain to unravel a bit, offering Prime a glimpse of their depths. Spock Prime disengaged the meld and stepped back.

“What was Jim Kirk to you?”

Spock Prime smiled wide, eyes filled with tenderness. “He was my T’hy’la.”

Spock the younger gasped, but quickly recovered. “He was your soulmate? You were bonded?”

Spock Prime nodded once, “Until the day he died. But you were aware of this. You were once bonded with your Jim.”

“Yes, before he died, I was aware of a weak bond. It broke.” The young first officer turned away from the older man. Had he gone about this completely wrong? Were he and Jim supposed to be together?

"Why did you not say anything?"

Prime signed. He was prepared for this question. "You should be allowed to find your own path, Spock, not be influenced by mine. You have a right to live your life as you see fit. "

The the elder Spock could see the next question written on the young Vulcan's face.

“You must understand, young one, that in my timeline, I was the one that died. I was the one that entered the warp core. He was so angry at me, but I knew in that moment that he loved me beyond all else. Jim Kirk was the one that avenged my death and killed Khan. When I was brought back, in a much different way than your Captain was, there was no hesitation. I had known for quite some time that Jim was my mate. My death only pushed the inevitable. We were bonded shortly after reaching the Yorktown. May I enquire why have you been so determined to push Jim aside?”

Spock Prime watched his counterpart, but the young man appeared not able to provide any further information. “Spock, I am obligated to do as he asks. There is no reason for me to deny his request. But I will not if there is any chance that you return his feelings. He loves you Spock, but he would rather not burden you with that if he can help it, especially if you do not feel the same.”

Spock found he could no longer meet the older man’s gaze, so he turned and looked away, eyes not really seeing anything. “When he died, I lost control, Sir. I was consumed by anger and rage and revenge. I did not sleep and I did not rest until I had killed Khan. And I did so with my bare hands. I told him, I made sure he knew right before he died what he had taken from me. It was not until I found out that Jim was able to be resurrected and Dr. McCoy was successful that I managed to pull my emotions back. I was terrified.”

“Of losing him again? Or of losing control?”

“Both, but more so of losing him. I do not think I could survive that again.”

“But you did survive it once. And if history remains true, there will be a few more times where you will need to face that potential, whether you are with him or not. I think you already are aware of that. At the very least, Duradian should have taught you that. There will also be times where he will need to face that same potential with you.”

Spock had not considered that. He had been too focused on maintaining his distance and making sure that Jim was safe. He had not considered what might happen if he himself would be in danger. “Agreed.” It was the only logical conclusion.

“So you decided to reject what could be for something that might happen?”

Spock left with no other choice nodded in agreement.

“That is most illogical,” Spock Prime spoke before turning on his heel and leaving the young Spock to sort through his thoughts and feelings on his own.


	10. T’hy’la

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock finally gets his act together!

Spock waited patiently in the shadows outside Jim Kirk's room. He did know when Prime was to follow through with his planned “favor” for the Captain, but he knew that he was not going to allow it to happen. After his conversation with his counterpart, Spock had meditated and then sought his father’s council, the conversation played around in his head.

“My I have a word father?”

“Of course Spock. What is it my son?” Sarek’s face betrayed no emotion.

“Was mother your T'hy'la?” Sarek’s face remained stoic, but Spock caught the brief tensing of his left jaw muscle.

“Why is it that you want to know that? "

“Mother was human. I know that it was hard for her to adjust to our way of life, but she often expressed her love for you as I was growing up. Despite our species reservations about emotions, she also often told me that she knew you loved her. At the time, it must have also been hard for you as well. It was almost unheard of to marry and mate a non-Vulcan.”

“It was hardly taboo, Spock. There were numerous bondings of Vulcan and non-Vulcans throughout our history. Humans are not even the most common. But yes, your mother was my T’hy’la.”

“How did you….did she know?”

Sarek nodded his head. “Yes, she was aware. It did take her some time to recognize it for what it was. As a human, she was not aware of such bondings. She was however skeptical that I was able to feel for her as she needed. There was nothing that I would have not done to claim her as my own once I knew she was my intended. Spock why are you asking me of this now? Have you met your T’hy’la?”

“Yes, sir, I have. And it is someone that you would not approve of.”

“Spock, I want only for your happiness. For you to find what I had with your mother. If you think about it, our meeting was not expected. I have attempted to calculate the odds, as she was human and I am Vulcan, as to the chances we would meet where we did and when we did. But I cannot. That tells me it was….as humans would say…fated. Why else would we connect so quickly and build such a strong bond. Spock, if you have found that, than it will not matter with whom it is with. And to answer your next logical question – yes, I loved her very much.”

"It is my Captain, James Kirk.”

"I had suspected as much.”

***********

Spock’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps. Despite the age difference, Spock recognized the pattern as his own and knew that Spock Prime was approaching. He waited until the older man was closer to the door before stepping out of the shadows and announcing himself.

Spock met the older man’s gazed steadily.

There were no words exchanged, as none were needed. After a few minutes, Spock Prime nodded with a faint smile on his lips before turning and leaving.

Wasting very little time, Spock gently knocked on the door. He did not wait for an answer but pushed it open quietly. The room was dark save for the light of the full moon pouring through the open window. It provided enough illumination however for Spock to see the room was empty. He wondered further in closing and locking the door behind him. He glanced into the bed chamber located off to the left. There sitting facing away from the door was Jim.

Spock approached noting the sudden stiffness in Jim’s back as he became aware of his presence.

“Thank you for doing this for me,” Jim spoke softly.

Spock did his best to settle his wildly beating heart. “I need a word with you, Jim.”

Jim jerked and looked over at him, a series of emotions floating across his face. Fear, longing, frustration, regret, and something else Spock did not have a word for.

Jim stood and turned toward him, eyes darting to different places on the room and finally looking beyond him into the antechamber. “I am sorry, Spock. But I do not have time to speak right now. Can it wait until the morning?”

Spock hated the look of defeat that his Captain was unable to hide.

“No, sir, it cannot.”

Jim sighed deeply and Spock felt immense guilt for the struggle he watched play out on his Captain’s handsome features. He hated he was the one who did this to him. It was a regret he knew he would carry with him for a long time.

Jim turned away from him, shoulders shaking, but when he looked back his features had evened out. “Listen, Spock, if you have even one ounce of respect for me you will do as I ask and seek me out tomorrow. I will make myself available to you in the afternoon.”

“No,” Spock stated bluntly.

Jim threw his hands up in defeat. Spock winced at the hurt look on his Captain’s face. "Spock, you make it a point on a regular basis to remind me that I am 'only human'. As a fragile human there is only so much I can take. I have done my best to respect your wishes and to stay out of your way. So for only the second time in my life I am going to beg for something. I am begging you to leave. Now." 

Spock stood frozen for a moment, stunned. He had thought he was doing the right thing. Denying his T'hy'la. Jim's total dismissal cut painfully and made him realize how wrong he had been. "And I am begging you to allow me one minute to explain," he countered. 

Jim sagged in defeat and for a moment Spock saw the young boy Jim had been when he had begged for that first time. 

Spock took his own deep breathe before advancing toward the young Captain until he stood immediately in front of him. For all that he had thought to say at this moment, words failed him. So Spock decided that action may be a better course. He quickly reached up and cupped Jim’s face between his hands, urging Jim to raise his eyes until they met his. Without much fanfare, Spock gently placed his lips onto Jim’s. The jolt at the contact went straight down his spine.

The kiss was gentle, a soft play of lips. 

For a moment, Spock thought Jim would allow it to continue but than Jim stiffened briefly before stepping back.

“What are you doing?” Jim’s voice was only a whisper.

“Captain - Jim,” Spock fumbled, an unusual characteristic for him. There was too much to express, to many words he needed to say. Instinctively he reached again for Jim’s face, only this time with his hand in a clear gesture of wanting to make contact with Jim’s meld points.

Jim stared at him in stark disbelief, but nodded his acquiescence. Spock savored the skin to skin contact for only a moment before sliding his hand into place. The connection flared bright and warm. Having already melded before, Spock was not surprised at the ease he felt as he slid into Jim’s mind. He did his best to shield Jim from all of the things he wanted to show him, knowing it may overload the younger man. But as the connection settled, Spock recognize the gold shimmering thread that denoted their bond.

It was still there, buried beneath denial, fear and anger. He instinctively reached for it and waited for Jim’s mind to accept it.

********** 

Jim gasped as the connection established itself and leveled out a bit. The sharp flare he felt when Spock first touched him dulled slightly, just enough for Jim to feel Spock’s presence along with an overflow of emotions. His First Officer apparently felt deeper than Jim had assumed he did.

What Jim saw was nothing less than a montage of images, clips of Spock’s life. Classmates ridiculing him for being half human. His feelings of shame and determination to prove his worth to them even though he was twice as smart. His face bloody, his hands bleeding, the sense that he did not fit in anywhere, caught between two worlds and a desire to be loved and accepted. Spock’s mother, her eyes filled with pain trying to comfort him, the love he felt for her without shame. The look of disappointment in Sarek’s eyes when as Spock told him was going to attend Starfleet Academy, but Spock feeling free for the first time in his life. Jim being court-martialed, begrudging respect and a sense of excitement he had not expected to feel for the young cadet. Spock staring down at his application to serve onboard the Enterprise as Jim’s First Officer, the intense feelings of “rightness”. Uhura’s face as Spock kissed her for the last time, resignation, emptiness and disappointment that he could not be what she deserved nor she what he truly wanted. Spock’s mother as she fell just out of reach, sadness and guilt for not being able to save her.

The images slowed until Jim saw himself yet again, as seen through Spock’s eyes as he breathed his last breathe behind the glass of the warp core, separated by fate as Jim spoke the words he had not previously...

 _I love you_.

Spock, anger, rage, and an unholy sense of regret for not having the courage to claim what Spock had felt was his as the life left Jim’s eyes. Khan’s face as Spock choked the life out of him...

_You have taken everything from me, everything I valued, it is illogical to take your life, but I find that I don’t give a fuck._

Relief as the voice of Bones told Spock that Jim was alive, followed by pain, such deep pain that Jim did not know if he could survive it. Spock, deep in meditation, making the decision to not pursue Jim because he feared he would not survive him dying again. Jim on MCLASS47 as he walked away from him. Jim, lying in Sickbay after his imprisonment in Durbian. Jim leaving the mess with Nurse Chapman. Jim, Jim, Jim.

And finally Spock Prime...

 _So you decided to reject what could be for something that might happen...most illogical_.

Jim gasped as the images stopped and he became aware of his surroundings again. His face wet from tears. Jim opened his eyes and looked into the rich brown irises of his First Officer and he finally understood. It wasn't just about Jim. He almost laughed. He had worked so hard to not be so narcissistic, yet he failed to look beyond himself to even fathom that Spock might have been hurting as well. 

“I had no idea, Spock. I am so sorry.”

“I do not understand. Why do you apologize?” Spock’s voice sounded like it had not been used for a while, like sandpaper over a rough surface. He had not removed his hands, but had moved to cup Jim’s face with long fingers and Jim found himself reaching up and mirroring the position. Jim’s callused hands stroking Spock’s sharp cheek bones. It had been do long since they had physically touched, his body craved the contact and drank it all in.

He couldn’t control his body’s response even if he tried.

Jim shook his head. “I am sorry that I have caused you this pain.”

“Jim, _no_. This has been my burden. This was my responsibility, not yours. You could not have known because I did not want you to know. I was in fact rather selfish in doing so. For a long time I struggled with my feelings for you. I knew that I loved you. But I was afraid of the depth of my emotions. After you died….I was lost, so lost, Jim. I did not know what to do, how to go on without you. Searching for Khan helped me focus, but even ending his life did not bring me peace. When Dr. McCoy told me you were alive… So I pulled away. If I was only to be by your side as your First Officer, I would happily do so.”

Jim breathed deeply. Part of him was elated to know, to finally know that he was not in this alone. Another part was deathly afraid. 

“I understand,” he swallowed passed the lump in his throat, but shivered at Spock’s hands as they began to stroke his face. He did not stop the older man as he slid his hand lower, bring his chin up so Jim was looking him.

"I do not think you do, Jim. To loose control as I did goes against everything a Vulcan is raised to do. I did not know how to accept your death."

"Spock, death is part of life, even that logical brain of your's must acknowledge that. But if we live in fear of it, if we let it rule our lives, we never really live do we?" Spock was living with the fear of Jim dying, but Jim was living in fear of love.

His non existent relationship with his mother, the endless number of partners, his way of seeking something he was afraid to have. His reckless behavior, his bad decisions, his way of making sure he would never find what he was looking for because he kept proving he was not worthy of it. 

But seeing how Spock saw him made Jim realize that even if he was not meant to be with Spock beyond this moment, he could move on because he was tired of living in fear. 

Jim stroked the tears that had begun to fall down Spock's angular face. He allowed Spock to close the distance between them, bringing their bodies flush. Being almost the same height they met chest to thigh.

This time, Jim did not pull away. He instead leaned into the firm touch and gave in to it.

Spock’s hands were everywhere, he didn’t seem to know where to touch Jim. The kiss deepened, Spock’s warmer by human standards tongue sought entrance and Jim opened for it. The taste, spicy, sent a shiver down Jim’s spine and settled in his groin. He did not resist when Spock turned them back toward the room, nor did he resist when Spock, with more gentleness than Jim had ever known, lifted him up and placed him on the bed.

He did not sit ideally however. Jim hands reached everywhere he could as Spock continued the kiss, leaning over him. Finding their way under the loose fitting tunic, pushing it up until Spock stopped kissing him long enough to pull it over his head. Spock did not wait for Jim to remove his, yanking it off and flinging it into the darkness.

Jim laid his palms flat on Spock’s chest and ran them down, admiring the slender yet toned muscles, settling on the waistband of his trousers. Spock shivered as Jim cupped his growing erection.

“Jim…” Spock groaned when Jim ran his tongue up his ear and sucked on the tip.

“Please, Spock.”

“Jim, what is it that you want? Tell me.”

"Spock, please, I want you in me.”

“As you wish.”

Spock worshiped him. Never had Jim known a lover to touch him with as much reverence as Spock did. His hands, warm and sure pulled his pants and briefs down his long legs and tossed them onto the floor. Spock stood and looked at Jim and he found the urge to cover himself. Jim had not ever been shy about his body, he flaunted it regularly. But the way Spock was looking at him, as if he was going to devour him whole, was new to him.

Jim watched, dry-mouthed and transfixed as Spock undid the snaps to his own pants and allowed them to pool on the floor in a soft heap. Jim had often wondered what Spock would look like naked. Obviously he had seen the man in various states of undress, but never completely naked. But he found himself licking his lips as his gazed moved over Spock’s smooth chest, unmarred and hairless, down to his narrow hips and then to his impressive erection, which looked a lot like his own, but instead of a darkening purple, Spock’s cock was a deep shade of green nestled among dark curls. The top was bulbous and already leaking.

Jim swallowed and locked his gaze with Spock.

“Jim, is this what you want?” his voice was soft, not pleading but carried a definite note of anxiety.

“Yes, Spock, please…” Jim groaned and nearly shot off the bed when Spock ran his warm hands up one thigh and grasped his cock gently. If Spock had any intention of blowing him Jim derailed it quickly. “I am not going to last, I want to come with you inside me.”

Spock’s slim but solidly built chest expanded and even in the weaning darkness Jim could see the distinctive green tinge as a blush covered his upper body. His eyes, nearly black with desire continued to roam over Jim’s body and Jim though he was going to lose his shit any second. He was saved by Spock climbing onto the bed and settling between Jim’s parted thighs. “There’s lube, in the draw, there,” Jim gasped out as he felt one of Spock’s finger graze gently over his opening. Spock arched a brow and Jim could feel, actually feel, Spock’s curiosity as to why Jim had lube. Jim’s mind conjured an image of himself jerking off, Spock’s name on his lips.

Spock’s mouth twitched in what Jim suspected was a smirk and retrieved the lube post haste. The sound of the cap popping open was louder than Jim thought it would be but he soon stopped thinking about anything as Spock breached him with one finger. Slowly, slower than Jim would have liked, Spock worked him open until three fingers slide in and out easily. Spock’s mouth was moving over his lips, tasting the skin of his neck, sucking marks onto his chest.

“Alright, enough, please enough,” Jim gasped, back arching as Spock’s fingers stroked against his prostrate and his cock, thick and heavy with desire, twitched in excitement.

Spock removed his fingers and Jim felt the blunt head of Spock’s erection press up against him. Despite the prep, Spock was big, but he moved with efficiency and gentleness until he bottomed out. Jim grasped Spock’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. Only now recalling that Vulcan hands were very sensitive. Jim lifted their entwined hands to his lips and kissed each digit, sucking on the pointer finger. Spock closed his eyes and groaned, but he did not falter. He pulled out and then slammed back in.

Spock shook his hand free from Jim, and once again sought his meld points. Jim held nothing back as he opened himself to Spock in mind and body. He felt Spock, felt all of his emotions, all of his thoughts but instead of feeling overwhelmed, Jim wrapped Spock around him pulling him in. A bright golden light flared inside Jim’s mind, a thread that reached from Spock to himself. Jim reached out for it and held it tightly knowing it was Spock he held.

A sharp thrust brought Jim back to his physical body. He swore he saw stars as Spock picked up the pace, moving quickly. As Jim thought, he was not going to last long. He fought with all he had to make it last. It was for not, however, as Spock’s cock slammed into his prostrate and his orgasm barreled through him. 

The golden thread he saw within himself flared even brighter and blinded Jim. He cried out as he came hard, wet and warm between them. He had not even been touched. Spock’s response was almost instantaneous, his hips jerked once, twice and with a low groan, he came, filling Jim completely. 

Spock collapsed on Jim, having enough sense to roll to his side as to not crush him. They both clung to each other, panting heavily as the sun set completely.


	11. Bonding

When Spock woke, the sun had barely crested the horizon. There was enough light for him to however make out Jim’s form as he continued to sleep. He must have turned over in the night as he laid on his side facing away. Spock admired the lean expanse of Jim’s back before scooting across the space and spooning Jim from behind. Jim murmured in his sleep, but settled back making contact with Spock. Spock slid one arm around Jim’s chest and wedged a leg between Jim’s thighs, seeking the physical closeness of his mate.

The bond thudded happily between them.

Spock closed his eyes and basked in it warmth. He felt unintelligent for having denied Jim and himself of this. And despite the acceptance of the bond, Spock was also aware that Jim was still feeling, for lack of a better word, uneasy about it. It was not that Jim did not want him, or the bond, but Spock's denial had hurt him badly. Spock knew it would take time to build the trust that he so foolishly squandered. 

Jim after all was a proud man and he might have rejected Spock on principle alone. But at the same time, Jim was also a fair man, one who strove to find the balance in things. It made him a good leader and a better man. More reason for Spock to not have allowed his own insecurities to interfere with what was, how did his father word it, a fated bond. Looking back, Spock had to now admit that the pain of losing Jim in death was actually less frightening than living his life without Jim in it at all. Spock would be eternally grateful that Jim was open and willing to accept him after how badly he messed things up.

Spock tugged Jim even closer, feeling the steady rhythm of his heart beat under the palm of his hand. 

Even though he did not need much sleep, Spock found himself dozing and roused sometime later. The sun was higher in the sky, cascading into the room with the beginnings of the dessert heat. Spock turned and expected to find Jim still beside him. He sat up when he found the space empty.

A quick scan of the room resulted in Spock spying Jim through the thin window dressing, blowing in the morning breeze, standing outside on the small veranda. He was dressed in loose fitting sleep pants he had seen on his Captain before, but was shirtless and barefoot.

Spock slid from the bed and pulled his own pants on before approaching the younger man. When he reached him he slid his arms around his trim waist and laid his chin on Jim's shoulder so he too was looking out over the desert expanse. Spock felt the Captain stiffen.

“Jim?”

**********

Jim sighed and turned around, forcing the Commander to release him. He found that he could not meet the other man’s eyes, instead choosing to look at his chest, which in itself was not good as it resulted in Jim’s body flushing as it remember the events of the night before.

Jim had hoped to spend the night being held by Spock’s counterpart, not end up in bed with the younger one. He imaged waking up knowing that he soon might be free of the emotions that tethered him to the Vulcan. But here he stood face-to-face with the man he loved and he had never felt more alone. Even if Prime was able to remove or alter his memories, Jim found he no longer wanted that. He wanted to remember Spock and all of the emotions he felt for him.

He had to face his fear.

“Spock,” he breathed capturing the hands of his First Officer as they attempted to reach his face.

Spock’s face barely showed a change, but Jim recognized the flash of pain that ran through his eyes.

“I will approve your transfer if that is what you wish. If you find that you cannot leave the Enterprise, than I will request a new assignment. Maybe they will promote you to Captain as you deserve to be. You would be the only one I would trust her with anyway.”

Spock’s brow drew together in confusion, for once his face was completely open and Jim did not have to struggle to understand what he was feeling. “I do not understand. Why would I want to the leave the Enterprise? Why would you?”

Jim wished in that moment that he had Spock’s ability to meld, it would be so much easier to show him, words were so difficult.

“I believe it is for the best. For you and for me. I cannot go back to being just your Captain, Spock. I was hoping that given time we could at least become friends. But after last night... I would be hurting you, and myself, by pretending that my feelings for you will go away or change.”

“I thought,” Spock paused, “I thought my feelings…. I felt that. I felt how you feel about me when we melded.”

“But you don’t want this.” Jim saw and felt the panic coursing through Spock. But he could not back down now. He needed to let him go.

Spock grabbed Jim by the arms, gently, but with enough force to keep the other man from moving away. “Your words are illogical, Jim. Of course I want this. I also thought that was made clear last night.”

Jim huffed humorlessly. “Spock, I love you and I believe that you love me. I felt that too. But last night you said that you would be happy serving me as my First Officer. Nothing else. I cannot go back to that, Spock.”

“Jim that was what I _thought_ I wanted, what was the logical conclusion to my reaction to your death. I thought I could just be your First. But I cannot, nor do I want to be. I want to be with you, Jim. I want to be your….Jim we bonded last night.”

Jim stared slack-jawed. He felt Spock’s fingers reach for his meld points and they easily slid into each other. Jim felt Spock’s love, his desire to be by his side in every sense of the word. Captain and Commander, brother, lover, husband, T’hy’la. He felt his need to be with Jim until the last breathes left his body, which would be several decades after Jim himself…

_Don’t be so sure, my love, as we are bonded your lifespan will be considerably extended._

And there, in the center of it all was the golden thread, pulsing to both of their heartbeats, indicative of their bond. Jim had not recognized it for what it was until now. But it flared along with the feelings of unconditional love Spock sent through it. He sent his love back.

_Do you regret this, Jim?_

_No. I love you…_

_And, I love you_ …

Jim smiled and regardless of the meld, sought and found Spock’s mouth with his own.

Spock broke the meld and slide is hands down Jim's back, the warm flesh tingling beneath his long fingers. Jim deepened the kiss, reaching for Spock and dragging him closer. He nudged Spock's lips and groaned when he opened and allowed Jim to explore. Jim's fingers wound their way into Spock slick hair, noting the smooth texture. Jim never wanted to let him go, breathing in his smell, his body heated up. The bond flared and Jim found the contact more intimate than sex. He knew he was completely bared to Spock like this and he found he did not mind. Spock's strong hands cupped his ass and lifted him up using his Vulcan strength, which Jim totally did not find hot. Jim jumped and straddled Spock's slim hips with his legs. Spock adjusted his grip and Jim found himself hard and shamelessly rutting against the older man. Spock whimpered and wasted no time carrying Jim back to bed.

********

Jim woke with a bit of a start sometime later. His mind cleared quickly and he sat up moving to the edge of the bed. He felt remarkably rested despite his and Spock’s rather vigorous activities. He stretched, loosening his stiff muscles and enjoying the ache in his ass. Jim smirked to himself. He felt a tug in the back of his mind.

“Jim?”

Spock stood dressed in the long tunic and loose pants he had had on the night before. His dark eyes scanned him quickly and when he met Jim’s gaze his face softened and Spock’s version of a smile could be seen.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep again. Guess I was more tired than I thought,” Jim said rather sheepishly.

“You have not been sleeping well. I am neither surprised nor offended. I enjoyed watching you.”

“Creep,” Jim shot back and laughed.

Spock came forward and stood directly between Jim’s legs. He leaned forward and allowed their foreheads to touch gently as his hands rested on his bare shoulders.

Neither of them moved, but simply breathed each other in. When Spock lifted his head, Jim saw the slight frown.

“I can still feel your hesitation, Jim.”

Jim met Spock’s steady gaze. “I am trying. I cannot shake it loose that quickly.”

“You misunderstand me. I am more than aware of how much I hurt you. I know that you cannot “let me off the hook” that easily. I will endeavor to prove myself a proper mate. I am grateful for the opportunity.”

“Spock, I do understand why you did what you did. I want you to know that.”

Spock nodded once. “It does not absolve me of my responsibility. I have been a poor T’hy’la to you.”

“Spock…," Jim whined.

“Jim...," Spock mimicked.

Jim laughed but nodded, happy that Spock understood him. 

“Something smells good,” Jim finally spoke as a delicious aroma met his nose. His stomach growled loudly.

“I had food brought in. You have not been eating well either.”

Jim smiled at his bonded and kissed him gently. They rose and made their way to the small sitting area where Spock had set several plates and two sets of utensils, stopping only to pick up Jim’s pants. Jim had thought about protesting and sitting at the table naked, but Spock merely stated that if Jim, in fact, wanted Spock to devour him again, he would have to humor him and eat something. Jim being properly motivated, cleaned his plate in record time.

“Do you have plans for today?” Spock spoke softly.

“No,” Jim replied reaching across the table and gently lacing their fingers together. Now that he was free to touch he found that he could not keep his hands to himself. Spock, the good man that it was, did not seem to mind. “Why?”

Spock dropped his gaze momentarily and Jim could feel Spock’s nervousness. “I want to visit my father and request his help in arranging our bonding ceremony,” Spock spoke with a hint of a blush. “I would like to make it formal before we return to the ship.”

“I thought we were already bonded?”

“We are. The ceremony would be more of a pretext, but it would be recorded and, in the eyes of Starfleet, we would be married.”

Jim’s brows rose. “Before we return to the ship? That’s in four days. So soon?”

“Is it too soon?”

“Not for me. But are there not customs you need to follow? I was under the impression that a Vulcan bonding took several years to plan.”

“How do you know about Vulcan bonding customs?”

Jim smiled. “Spock Prime told me about his bonding to his Kirk.”

Spock sat up straighter, surprise clearly written on his face. “You were aware?”

“Humm. Of their bond? Yes.”

"Why did you not say anything?" Spock questioned.

"That I knew about their bond?"

Jim waited for Spock to nod his head. "I guess it was not for me to tell you. Besides, at the time," Jim paused searching for the right words, "At the time I thought he was wrong. That the time lines were too different and that it was one-sided. He was never with Uhura in his timeline, so I figured it just was not going to happen. He thought you and I were together, though. He was a little surprised that we were not."

“You have become close to Spock Prime,” is was a statement not a question.

Jim watched Spock closely and noticed the slight tick of his lower jaw. If Kirk did not know better, he would think that Spock was jealous. Their bond told him he was right. “I have had a number of conversations with Prime over the past six months. He told me a lot about his Jim. He became my friend.”

“He was here last night for you.”

“He told you?”

Spock nodded.

“You must think I am pathetic,” Jim spoke softly.

“No, Jim. No. You are one of the strongest men I have ever known. What you asked for was as much for me as it was for you. I know it was hard for you, I knew what my denial did to you. You may not have known this but we were bonded once before.”

“What do you mean?”

“When we melded for the first time. I felt it then although it was in its infancy. You more than likely did not notice it at all. But it manifested itself in our professional relationship. We were very ‘in tune’ as you would say.”

Jim snorted in agreement. “Be you said ‘once before’?”

“Yes. The bond broke when…when you died.”

Jim sucked in his breath. “I see.” He was silent for a moment, his hand still resting in Spock’s, just feeling Spock and his regret for keeping them apart. Jim shrugged his shoulders and squeezed Spock tighter.

“That may be why I grew so close to Prime, when you think about it,” Jim said.

Spock tilted his head slightly and yes he did think about it. “That would be logical. His broken bond with his Jim recognized our broken bond. You sought each other out.”

The look on Spock’s face made Jim pause. He reached out through the bond but he did not recognize the emotion that Spock was feeling at the moment. “He and I never… you know...were together like that if you were worried about it. And I was not with Chapman either,” Jim added recalling the meld from the night before and feeling Spock's pain at Jim leaving the mess with the young nurse.

Spock opened his mouth but closed it quickly. He did this twice before he spoke. “I would not be angry if you had. I had made the decision to not be with you. You were free to pursue who you desired to.”

“But you are relieved that I didn’t?”

Spock wisely remained silent.

“As I said, I would like to be formally bonded before returning to duty.”

Jim smiled and nodded in agreement.


	12. The Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock return to duty....unless Starfleet has something different to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter to finish things out! Thank you all for your support with this story! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

The following few days went quickly. After speaking with Sarek, Spock and Jim were formally bonded in a semi-traditional Vulcan ceremony. Besides Spock’s father, who looked rather pleased with the pairing, Spock Prime and Bones were in attendance. Bones attending without a single protest, which surprised Jim. When asked, Bones' only response was ‘it’s about time the two of you got your heads out of your asses’.

The bonding was a simple affair with Spock kissing Jim in both the Vulcan and human ways. After they moved to Sarek’s house where a light meal was served before Jim and Spock were left to themselves. The last two days of their leave were spend mostly in bed, ignoring the outside world for a long as they could.

The next big hurdle would be when Starfleet Command was officially notified of the bonding. The regulations against fraternization among the crew were pretty specific. But Jim held little for such regulations. He was prepared to fight, but would be just as happy to resign and spend his time exploring space with his husband on their own. They had even talked about remaining on New Vulcan to help the colony rebuild.

Monday morning found Spock and Jim in the turbo-lift heading toward the bridge. They did not talk but stood in companionable silence, Spock’s fingers gently touching Jim’s in a Vulcan kiss. Their bond hummed between them, content.

“Good morning everyone,” Jim spoke as he existed the lift and took his seat, Spock taking his place at his station. Several PADDs awaited him on the arm of his chair and as he sat, Spock handed him two additional ones. “I hope you all had a nice shore leave.”

Jim was going through the first one, a report in the repairs done to the replicators, when he noticed the mood in the room. He looked up and found almost all the command crew looking at him. He turned to look at Spock, who stared back with no discernible emotion and a dramatic arch to his one brow.

“Is something wrong?” Jim did not make the question toward anyone in particular.

“You seem different, Captain.”

The comment came from Uhura, who sat at her station, but was turn toward him.

“In a good way or a bad way?”

Uhura snorted, and managed to make it sound delicate. “I am not sure yet,” she commented dryly.

Jim grinned manically. “Well when you figure it out, let me know. For now let’s get ourselves sorted. We have been ordered to head into the Airelle System. There are a couple of M-Class planets that Starfleet would like us to check out.”

The crew returned to their work without further questions, but the mood on the bridge was relaxed and productive.

Several hours into the shift, Uhura announced an incoming message from Command. Knowing full well what it was about, Jim had the message sent to his ready room.

The Starfleet Insignia disappeared almost as soon as he sat down. Admiral Pike along with Admiral Duncan and Admiral Steller, head of the Judge Advocate General’s Office, were visible. But Jim was a little surprised to also see Sarek and Spock Prime. Jim hoped Prime felt his relief as seeing him.

“Jim, how are you doing?” Pike asked.

“I am well sir. I believe that Commander Spock should be present for this,” Jim stated before anyone had a moment to speak.

“I agree.” Pike’s response was clipped and short.

There was a momentary awkward pause as Jim commed Spock and he arrived. He took the seat next to Jim and discretely reached for his hand beneath the table. Spock’s only acknowledgment was a slight nod of his head toward the members on the screen.

“I believe everyone is aware of the reason we are here,” Pike began.

“I move for the immediate dismissal of Captain Kirk and Commander Spock,” Admiral Duncan’s deep voiced boomed over the link. Jim tried not to flinch. What followed was a flurry of angry words between Duncan and the other two members of Starfleet. It was clear to Jim that of the three, one was against their union, one was supportive and the other was attempting to navigate the legal aspects of it.

“I see no need for such a drastic move Duncan,” Pike’s voice rang loudly. Duncan was however unperturbed and spouted off a number of different Starfleet regulations that were set in place to prevent fraternization among crewmembers. Steller could be seen nodding in agreement.

Jim and Spock sat silently for the moment. They had discussed this at length before returning to the ship and although they both hoped to remain in command of the Enterprise, they were also not willing to be separated. They were a package deal. Starfleet could either deal or not.

“I believe gentlemen that you are ignoring the bigger picture.” Spock Prime finally interjected when there was a lull in the bantering, mostly on Duncan’s part.

“And what is that? Ambassador?” Duncan spit out, his face visibly red.

“You cannot separate Captain Kirk and Commander Spock, nor can you force them to resign or revoke their commission.”

Jim seriously thought Duncan’s eyes were going to pop, they bulged out of his head at an alarming distance. Jim bit the inside of his mouth to keep himself from laughing. Spock's hand tightened minutely around his, but Jim could feel Spock’s calming presence.

“And why not? Captain Kirk flaunts Starfleet regulations like a little child. And the rest of the Fleet lets him get away with it. He is not getting away with this. Kirk is fully aware of these regulations. And if he wants to state that he was not, I highly doubt Commander Spock can make the same statement.” It was Jim’s turn to send calmness through the bond.

"Admiral Duncan, the bond they share is not only one of the most sacred among the Vulcan people, it is not capable of surviving once the partners are separated from each other,” Spock Prime’s voice was level and did not betray any emotion.

"They should not have bonded in the first place!” he bellowed loudly.

“Admiral Duncan, I regret that you feel that way, but I also regret that you do not appear to understand the situation. Their bond is not something that could have been denied. They are T’hy’la. You therefore cannot discriminate against something that was beyond their control,” Spock Prime’s calm voice seemed to take the wind out of Duncan’s sails.

“Beyond their control? Are you telling me that they had no choice? They are both grown men who should have learned a long time ago to keep it in their pants, even if Captain Kirk’s experiences tell me otherwise.”

“Enough Duncan!” Pike all but shouted.

“Admiral Pike…”

“Admiral Steller? Your opinion please?” Pike turned everyone’s attention to the painfully thin man who appeared to be working furiously on a PADD.

“One moment please, I am accessing the Vulcan embassies databases, " his voice was soft but clear. “Ahh, Ambassador Spock is correct. In addition, when the Federation formalized its treaty with the Vulcan citizenship, the agreement allowed for unions between members when such a bond was created, the bond of T’hy’la was specifically mentioned. Starfleet, therefore has no legal grounds to deny their union nor can Starfleet transfer either one of them. That is also specifically outlined in the agreement. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock did not violate any Starfleet regulation.”

“Well miracles do happen,” Pike commented dryly.

Jim could not help but snicker at the comment. Spock squeezed his hand beneath the table but their bond projected his mirth for the statement as well.

“So my son and his bondmate will remain as they are,” Sarek spoke for the first time. “The treaty between Vulcan and Starfleet has been in place for decades. I see no reason why it cannot be honored.”

Jim grinned, seeing Sarek’s comment as his way of flipping off Duncan.

Duncan opened his mouth to speak, but Pike cut him off. “If you wish to file a formal complaint, feel free to do so. I don’t believe that Ambassador Spock, Ambassador Sarek or Admiral Steller would have a problem attending a hearing. But I might add that in doing so, you will be straining the relationship between Starfleet and New Vulcan. Let it go Harold.”

Although he did not look happy about it, Duncan relented and removed himself from the link.

“Is he always such an ass?” Jim questioned.

“Yes,” the answer came from two of those that remained on the link.

Jim chuckled again. 

“Let me be the first from Starfleet Command to congratulate you Jim. I did not think that I would live to see the day you settled down. And no offense Spock, I would have never imaged it would have been with you,” Pike smiled.

The link closed shortly thereafter and Jim breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well that was not as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Indeed, Jim.”

“I do not regret anything, just so you know,” he said as he stood and moved in closer to Spock, whose eyes softened as he slid his arms around the younger man’s waist. Spock angled Jim so that they were facing each other. Jim tilted his head and accepted the soft kiss Spock bestowed upon him.

“Nor do I Captain.”

The curiosity of the crew was unmistakable when Spock and Jim returned to the bridge. Now that Starfleet was onboard he wanted to let the rest of his senior crew know, but did not want to do in on shift.

So Jim kept quiet as he and Spock took their respective places and Jim asked for an update on their course and heading.

“So are you going to keep us in the dark?” Uhura was apparently the first to break.

“About what Lieutenant?” Jim asked looking up from his PADD.

“Don’t be coy, Kirk, it does not look good on you,” she commented back.

Jim laughed, but said nothing for a moment. “I have planned a small gathering tonight after Alpha shift. I would like you all to be there in Observation Deck 3. I will let you all know what is going on, but off shift. And please no uniforms. This is a private thing.”

“Now I am really curious,” Uhura stated but turned back toward her station.

Alpha shift for Jim flew by, but based on the amount of fidgeting from the rest of the crew they thought it would never end. As soon as their Beta shift replacements showed up they were all up and out of their seats.

Jim would have been offended if he hadn’t been so stupidly happy.

“Are you ready?” Jim stepped forward and brushed unseen lint off his Commander’s shirt. Spock stopped Jim’s hands and laced their fingers together. Their bond lit up at the touch and Jim sighed in pleasure. This bonding thing sure has its perks in addition to the really fantastic sex. He almost, almost said screw it to the party wanting to drag his husband to bed and take him apart. Fortunately they had had enough time in the shower to take care of that business.

“Affirmative, Captain.”

Spock kept hold of his hand as they made their way to the turbo-lift, but let it go as they entered the observation deck. Jim had tables and an array of food brought in for what was going to be an impromptu reception. 

Jim noted that all of his senior staff was there, and Bones, the only one among them that knew, was smirking behind the rim of his scotch glass. Jim knew without a doubt that it was filled with real scotch for tonight.

Jim could not have helped the smile on his face if he wanted to.

“Alright,” he began clapping his hands together, knowing full well everyone was already paying attention to him. “As many of you think that there is something going on I wanted to get you together to I guess make an announcement,” Jim stated moving to look at each of his senior staff. “Well, while we were on new Vulcan, on shore leave, I was bonded.”

“YOU GOT MARRIED!”

Everyone in the room turned to Uhura as she sputtered out her remark and then just a quickly turned to look at Jim.

“Yes.”

A murmur went through the room like wildfire. Jim noticed that almost everyone looked surprised, except for a certain young lieutenant who looked like he was ready to soil himself. That young lieutenant was the only one brave enough to ask the next question however.

“Captain? To whom did you marry?”

“That honor would be mine, Lieutenant,” Spock spoke from behind Jim, stepping forward a bit and moving one of his hands to the small of Jim’s back.

The murmur died immediately. But everyone turned as Chekov cursed under his breath and pulled out his personal PADD. He stabbed at the screen and then looked at Sulu with a mixture of disbelief and fondness. Chekov continued to mutter while Sulu did a little dance and bounced up and down on his feet.

“Gentlemen?” Jim questioned.

Sulu looked up, “Oh sorry, Captain. I won the bet,” he said with a grin.

“What bet?”

“That the two of you were, you know, together.”

Jim laughed and felt Spock’s humor through the bond although he did not really show it. “You bet on whether we would get married?”

“No. just that you were together. No one thought you’d ever get married.”

Sulu’s grin was huge. He bounced a little more before turning toward the young Russian. “Don’t worry, Pavel. I will share my winnings with you.”

“Is there something you gentlemen would like to share with me now?” Jim asked, looking pointedly at his two youngest officers. 

Sulu blushed but pulled Paval close to him by the waist, the implication clear.

Jim heard Spock huff beside him. He pulled out his own personal PADD and pressed several keys.

“Commander?” Sulu asked.

Spock looked at Jim who smiled broadly. “Don’t worry, Spock. I will share my winning with you as well.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at Fanfic. Love this pairing though. Your kudos are appreciated!!


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